5-6 December, Santa’s Day

So sorry, I’ve been a bad blogger and a blogger friend, it’s just the past two weeks were insane. The fall/winter semester is almost over, I have tons of exams coming up, and other additional issues. I try to catch up on your blogs soon and put up a decent post what’s really going on. But, I’m still in game, haven’t given up yet.

I also wanted to let all of you, where I live, we don’t celebrate Christmas with Santa Claus, we have a special day for him. He comes on the night of 5th Dec and puts chocolate and all kinds of sweet things to the little children’s boots. So, happy Saint Nicholaus Day for those who celebrate it today and tomorrow! (:

:(

Running yesterday was a bad idea. I felt my ankle steady during the run but today it hurts so much at places where it shouldn’t and the ankle is swollen again. I think my mind knew that it wasn’t ready because by the pain I realize I pretty much put all the pressure on my other side. People also called me crazy today, several times for hitting the running field again. Moreover, I feel extreme stiff both in my thighs, damn … this is 2,5 weeks without training. I think I may gave up on my plan to run the 8.3km on Dec 11 and put running aside for another 2 weeks… :( Health first, right?

Get in ‘Shape’

(the dates are messy because I wrote it yesterday just forgot to post)

This has been the 18th day since my last run. Unbelievable. (!!!) Ever since I can’t actively move my legs I’ve been spending a lot of time on the internet, just for research. I try to explain why.

When I started the weight loss thing it was all about the loss. I had fat and unwanted body parts everywhere and I just wanted them to ‘shrink’. So I mostly did cardio work to burn the fat. But I saw the photos which were taken on the party and I had to realize that’s not enough any more. Odd enough, but I’m starting to be okay with my legs and butt, but my upper body is scandalous. On those photos they look like I was put together from two different person, like Frankenstein. It’s also been a topic on the blogosphere for a while so I found this: I’m a standard apple. Damn. Very small ankles and wrists, even my arms are small, but above my waist everything is so … I would say ‘weirdly shaped’.

I tried to look for any advice but the first thing they came up with this body type (on every site I visited) is that how critical for your health this situation on the long term, could be the source of cardio and etc problems. Fantastic. There were some diet suggestions (basically eat healthy, whatsoever) but no detailed workouts. Only reference: lift weights.

My reaction: great. I hate lifting weights, I hate doing this kind of exercises in general. But it seems that it might be the answer for my problem.

I have a couple of DVDs which have a great focus on the troubled areas, but there are some very cool Abs workout routines I found to be useful on youtube, in case you’re interested:

• Lorie Baker's Pilates Routine: here.
• The Best Pilates Core Workout Video: here.
• Béres Alexandra - Abs workout: here. (note: this isn’t in English but a full 10 minute workout)

Run!!!

This afternoon my dad told me to pick up his shoes from the Plaza and I was thinking that I might go for a power walk before since I desperately ‘crave’ active exercise. (the term belongs to SkinnyMinnie (: ) The weather was ugly, very foggy and wet but I put on my workout gear just in case. I spent the last two days reading online material about running after injury so I won’t lie that that was my goal. I did a thorough warm-up but I was afraid of the leaves on the already slippery pavement. First I aimed for 4 times 5 minute run, 3-4 minute walk. I was very careful. Right after I started running I realized that my ankle didn’t feel weird at all, just a little powerless which is no wonder after 2,5 weeks rest. So, I ended up running 2 times 15 minutes, with a 3 minute walk in between just to be sure I wouldn’t push my current limits too hard. The second 15 minutes were a bit faster but I tried to calm myself, don’t freak out, you’re running! Again! (:

So I didn’t want to risk to do a longer workout. I might calculate the distance later (approx. 4,5km I guess) but I’m still thrilled. It was quite sentimental, since my workout finished with the song, Whatever it Takes by Lifehouse. Now I’m enjoying a warm tea and put a bag of ice on my ankle just to prevent any swollenness. I try to take it slow, but … YAY! (:


Edit: I calculated my run and it was 4.35km (2.7miles). Post injury, it's not that bad.

Bittersweet - Deadlines versus Carpe Diem.

Today’s weigh in: 71.3kg / 156.8lbs (0.6kg / 1.3lbs loss)

I really don’t want to complain, because even if I can’t run right now, I’m still losing. The pessimism might be due to October’s progress when I was doing sports actively and losing fast week by week. Now, it’s a little hard to process this new ‘gear’ I’m in. Sport became my daily routine in the past months and now I feel how I much I miss it. And around August I had a little something in my mind. I know it is embarrassing but I admit it: I wanted to be below 70 kg (or 150lbs) by the New Moon premiere. (I haven’t seen it yet, though)

I have some ideas why I’m in such a blah mood, but apart from that sometimes I think about which would be the better: to set goals and deadlines or just doing things carpe diem, without any pressure. Well, since I’m an economist/business major I still prefer deadlines and goals in order to be effective. Failure can be tough, but also motivating. In my case right now I feel disappointed, but on the other hand without any major workouts I’m only 1.3kg (2.8pounds) away from that milestone. After what I’ve been through it should be a piece of cake, right?

The other thing which bothers me a lot (besides the lack of workouts) that I really put my anxiety on other people. I don’t think I’m rude but I’ve been definitely talking way too much about weight loss, which has never – ever – been my strong point. (I’m still surprised by myself!) I tend to bring up the topic way too many times, and how disappointed I’m with this and that etc. I could keep this in a secret for a long time and now since it’s out maybe this is my way to handle ‘embarrassment’. No idea, but I need to stop. Really. Seriously.

One other confession: due to ‘other’ things, and my blah mood I had a binge day. Not a crucial one, but enough that I’m sick to my stomach… and it doesn’t feel nice. :(

Quick update

I’m at the university library trying to start the work on my thesis and catch up on missed home works, translations which I should have finished a long time ago. My ankle is healing, slowly. It’s not that swollen any more, but it definitely hurts like hell by the end of the day. But the doctors said this should be (unfortunately) expected. I just wish this was over and I could run again.

In the meantime I try to stay on track with eating, I have less and less problems with it. I also realized that it’s the perfect time for upper body workouts (which I pretty much hate). Last week I read on Megan’s blog that she joined Angela’s ‘Whittle my Middle’ challenge. I’m not that good with challenges because my schedule and life just not designed for that, but I copied the idea and started to do 10 minute abdominal exercises 5 times a week. I took no pre-measurements but until I can’t do any decent workouts, it’s better than nothing. Unfortunately yesterday I had to cancel my step aerobics classes too at the university but I try to look on the bright side, the ankle situation could have been much worse, with much more hospital and doctor time.

Einstein said...

I’m done hiding behind the blog. It’s a little inspirational quote for everybody from my wall:

BMI

Let me show you guys something.

Today’s weigh-in: 71.9kg / 158.1lbs.

Good news because I managed to lose (I say maintain) a tiny compared to this Monday without any sport activity and constant bed rest.

But, what I am really saying is, that I've just checked my BMI here.

The categories:

24.9! Which means that I’m exactly at the margin of ‘Normal weight’!!! Believe me, I’m still a fattie (unfortunately I have a very small frame size but I’m tall, so probably this you could call cheating) but my starting BMI was 28.7. Way to go!

‘Easy way out’(?)

I had a little too much time for research and here’s a topic which has been going on my mind for a while.

This Wednesday I went to a live concert with my closest friends, one of them is doing a special program to lose weight and we talked about her and my experiences a little. She’s doing a 3 week acupuncture treatment (3 times a week) followed by a 600cal daily diet. She’s already lost 6kg (13.2lbs) in 2 weeks, and she’s planning to do another 3 week to fully lose the weight. When the treatment is over she has to maintain an introduction diet, first about 1000-1200cal per day and slowly increase the intake level. When she asked about ‘my method’ I only said that I’m doing the natural way. Eat healthy and exercise. When I asked her about this treatment, her words ‘I chose the easy way out’.

So what do you say, is there an easy way out? Do such things exist?

I mean I remember back in August. I was almost at the highest weight of all time and it seemed so impossible to reach not the thin, but even the decent overweight zone. I struggled a lot (I still do) with patience and being realistic. Everything was so far away and my tiny efforts to lose the weight often made me think about that my situation was so hopeless that there was no point in trying. I tried special diets in my life, the zero cal diet which failed me every time after a couple of days (shocker!), I did twice the 90 days diet but I gave up them, too. Typical Yo-yo dieting. This summer I thought about diet pills too and a liquid diet but I never had the courage. I did tons of drastic things in my life for weight loss and I refuse to make the same mistakes.

I mean (and don’t get me wrong, this is my opinion and I honestly cheer for my friend to succeed) most overweight people have eating problems. I don’t deny, I did (do?) have a serious eating disorder. When I decided to lose weight it was mostly because I was so fed up with my crazy habit, that I wanted to get rid of it and for me losing weight was just a bonus. You can now figure out how deep I was in that eating disorder mess.

And if someone ever enters to such vicious circle I don’t think there are such things as a magic wand … for a long term. You can heal fast but what comes easy, goes away easy. However, I’m not saying that a treatment like I’ve mentioned is that easy. It’s a treatment after all. 600cal daily intake for 3 weeks. You need the courage, you need to decide to hang onto it. And you need to follow the strict rules. It’s absolutely not ‘that’ easy. It’s a different point of view maybe.

Even though I complain a lot about how hard and how slow this process I hardly mention how much it becomes easier day by day. Working out became the natural routine of my day, so did healthy food choices, or that I don’t eat after 7pm. Whenever I’m standing before a wending machine it never pops in my mind that I should choose a sugary soda instead of mineral water. Little things. It causes less and less problems when I’m around people that I follow my unique routine and I’ve learnt to say no and say yes to small portions. I’m starting to believe that I’m getting out of a very deep hole which took 6 years of my life but I’m still careful with such statements. I still have weak points and days, but who doesn’t?

So in my opinion if everybody ever has the desire to leave the weight mess behind for long term needs to go through the change of lifestyle. It’s hard, time consuming and sometimes very messy, followed by mistakes. But in this process there’s time to learn from these mistakes and experience. And slowly, slowly everything gets better. Working out tests your stamina, and I love the concept of achievement. It forms the body, keeps someone active and healthy.

I’m not saying I’m a masochist. Because if a fairy said to me that tomorrow I could be skinny, I would take the deal immediately. But in my case there were serious issues behind the fact that I’m overweight and it seems that I’m on my way to fix them. Being healthy (mentally/physically) is an extremely important thing.

Injury update

I’d love to thank you all for the lovely comments on my previous post. (: I spent this week mostly resting, icing and using all kind of miracle things which could make my ankle hear faster. I only went to the university on Wednesday, but at the end of the day my ankle was swollen again. Also, I kept getting comments why on earth hadn’t I gone to a doctor’s office. Yesterday I was so freaked out I gave in. Personally, I hate hospitals and I have a sick fear from doctors. But I started to think about what if something had been torn in my ankle, when could I run again, if there was any serious problem and all I’d been doing just making damage? I’d love to use my legs on a long term, especially since I can say I’ve been a pretty active athlete recently. So we went to the local hospital’s Traumatology. It was freaking scary, but after the x-ray it turned out that there’s no serious injury to worry about. No break, no tear, it’s a bad sprained ankle but it is going to be fine, indeed.

I think I needed to hear that from a doctor. But it’s been 9 days since my last run and I’m really missing it. My lifestyle became so active during the past 3 months that now I hardly can cope with ‘doing nothing’ in general.

Injured, but…

So the weekend was hell. My ankle became unrecognizable, swollen and purple, I freaked out. However, it’s getting better and better but mostly due to doing nothing but resting. Seriously want my opinion? It sucks. So much. I wanted to go for a run this weekend to time my 5k but now I don’t know when it’s gonna happen. And the worst part is that my fear concentrated on that this way I’m gonna gain weight which I don’t want to. But, on the other hand I try to look at the bright side. It’s only a bruise, already healing. Much worse thing could have happened but it didn’t. After 3 months of intensive sport activity I guess a week of rest can mean no harm.

I had my WI on Saturday morning when I was still pretty much hangover. I spent the weekend analysing what exactly was the reason why I had such a minor loss? Anyway, my fear of gain I stepped on the scale today morning, just to check how my weekend went after all:

72.1kg / 158.6lbs (!!!)

I could hardly believe what I saw. I’m guessing the Sat WI was kinda false because of Thu night/Fri morning. This also means that I reached a metric system mile stone by losing 10.8kg (23.8lbs) after all. (and of course getting under the 160 mark) Not to mention, while I’m updating now I’m wearing a pair of goal jeans! Yay!

Just a note

It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.

Wisdom of Confucius

Shopping and a sprained ankle

Weigh in: 73.2kg / 161 lbs. (0.3kg / 0.7pound loss)

Well, considering the fact that last weekend my eating was kinda out of control, and I didn’t run on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had a very bad week with a 3-day-long killing headache and I drank enormous amount of alcohol Thu night it’s pretty much okay. I checked my excel chart (the sheet can be downloaded at Shauna’s blog) and I’ve had decent losses for 4 weeks in a row so I’ll live. However, I really hoped that I could reach the 72s by this week. (without the alcohol I consumed I’m sure that would have happened)

On the other hand this week with my friend we were dedicated to go for a run on Wednesday, but damn that icy/rainy weather we had to cancel it.

I also decided that I’m in a serious need of shopping. It’s always a big debate in my head because I still want to lose bunch of kilos so I don’t plan on staying at this level where I am right now for long, but my baggy (yay!) clothes started to really bother me. So I went. But since I hate shopping I planned in my head which stores I would visit, what kind of clothes I would try on. And I forced myself in advance, no matter what happens I need to buy some items. These were my pre-shopping conditions. But to tell the truth it was hell! There were no pants like I had in my mind, it turned out that in every store I’m a different size. And what I had in my mind looked totally ridiculous on me. I’m almost cried at Promod, where something always fits for me, most of my clothes were purchased there. So I went back to basics, and I was like the first two things which would fit I would buy them immediately. Finally, I bought a darkish grey skinny(!!!) jeans and a purple shiny (!!!) top at Zara. I had no intention to buy such pants because I’m too shy to wear them. But so I went. I have a little tummy for it, but I just do not care. Seriously. I came to that point where I don’t care.

When I got home I had an other debate in my head, whether I should have wore it for the party or not. When I got dressed I realised that it may be a little too tight and I was even ashamed to step out to the corridor. My roommate kept laughing at me that I was a total freak. On the way to the party (first we went to a friend’s apartment to pick them up) I kept thinking about how every part of my body could be seen. So the night ended up in an enormous alcohol drinking event. We were so drunk I could hardly feel anything just the fun. The whole world was spinning at the party and I hardly have any clear memories. I didn’t feel how wasted I was but I think we were pretty much out of it.

And it happened. To tell the truth I hardly remember how I fell, or how big I fell but I fell bad on my right ankle when we were jumping on the dance floor I suppose. I felt a huge pain for 10 seconds and I couldn’t stand on my ankle for a minute or two but later it didn’t mean any problem. On the other hand, when I woke up the next morning with almost the worst hangover in my life I could literally scream. My ankle looked bad but I didn’t make a big deal about it. It hurt like hell but I was hurting so much everywhere too. But when I arrived home I collected all my courage and checked my ankle. It looked terrible (exactly like this, but I warn you it’s not nice)! All purple and swollen and I hardly could walk. :(

The party totally worth it. I mean I had such great time!!! But I’m also freaked out a little bit. Today would have been the very last training for my c25k.

I made this far and now I need to postpone finishing the program. I’ve already picked out my c210k program, would have started next week. Now, I’m stucked in front of the computer hurting and also fighting with a damn cold/fever. I have no idea when I can run again, it just doesn’t look good. :(

Scale, numbers, November

The past two weeks I had some major results I just haven’t had the time to write about them yet. First, last week I managed to reach the ‘under 75kg’ mark, which means that I’m finally in a zone when the numbers at least a bit friendlier. On the other hand the last 3-day-weekend was spent in a famous Hungarian city and to tell the truth I didn’t care about eating well that much during that weekend. I have the weigh-ins usually on Saturday, but due to that past weekend I stepped on the scale on Tuesday, just for a quick check-in. It showed a sad number: 75.5 (166.4). I was totally prepared for the typical dieter catch 22. You lose and you just think that you could eat. I mentally tried to train myself accepting the first gain, I managed to agree with myself anything which starts with 74.something would be good. Then for my biggest surprise I finally reached the 73s! I have absolutely no idea how, but I’ll take it.

While I was tracking my food and workouts I realised, damn this week was the number 12. Technically that means 3 months, but basically I’ve been doing this whole complex thing for 76 days. Crazy to think of it as it is. I had no idea if I could make even the one week and look at this now:

Since 17th August 2009 I officially lost 11.34% of my starting weight, my BMI dropped from 28.7 to 25.4. I completed 55.62% of my total goal, I’m 9.4kg (20.7lbs) lighter than I was 2.5 months ago. I’m happy and energetic … I do things instead of not doing.

So what’s next?

It’s November. A new month with new objectives. When I set my goals back in September I aimed my birthday, December 6. Now I see things a little different.

Honestly, losing 7.5kg (16.7lbs) in 36 days is a bit unreasonable. Possible, if I try some ‘magic’, but I made a promise to myself that I won’t do anything drastic. I have exactly 5 weeks till then so I try to get to the zone of 68something kilos, or say the least get under the 150lbs mark. That absolutely could work out, and this way the deadline for the 145 can be New Year’s. In this I calculated Christmas and a freaky exam period.

But how I’m going to achieve this is another matter. I run, despite the fact that it’s starting to be freezing cold outside. I have only 1 week left from my c25k program, so I think I continue with the 10k program. (any training schedule suggestions?). Now it seems I also have a running buddy so keeping each other motivated can result in something great! However, there’s no problem with running, but I do have a problem with workouts. I just find them boring as hell, but I’m in a serious need of upper body workouts. I’ll try my best to do them at least 2times a week.

I’m still tracking my food and I think I’m doing fine. Yesterday was though a bit out of control, but in general I’m surprised how much willpower and control I have, so I won’t make a fuss about a weird day. But as for November I’d like to spend some time in the kitchen, try out new things. I’m a terrible cook since there’s only a few things I can prepare, so as a resolution I try to do something about this.

Until then, my mini goal is get under 70kilos. And not to give up because of the weather. 2 years ago I got lost somewhere around here…

Running Budapest by night

This week was quite optimal for running. Finally I could find the time to catch up on my c25k schedule and even more, I managed to find a running buddy! The idea was very random since I’ve been feeling the lack of motivation towards the lonely workouts. Now, motivation hit me again!

So after our cruel Wednesday evening class with a dedicated friend we decided to hit the pavement on the lovely Andrassy street. I wish we could find a place with trail but since last week it is already dark around 5pm and Andrassy street is relatively the most lighted place we could come up with. On the other hand usually when I’m running in Budapest I mostly run on the riverside of the Danube, where are hardly any people to notice, usually runners or walkers. But with Andrassy street and Oktogon that was a totally different thing. It was funny that we were worried about stepping out into the crowd in our running gear. Oktogon was crowded but then when we were running beside the old diplomatic buildings it became nice.

I was surprised to realise how much we could run without stopping. We ran from Oktogon to Heroes’ square, then into Vajdahunyad castle, and then back. With some calculations it was a 4.52km (~2.8miles) all together, interrupted with 2 smaller walks if I remember well. 30 minutes later we arrived back to the apartment as two energetic bombs. Seriously, it felt amazing! We decided that we would make a habit of this running get-together.

Two days later my legs weren’t so tired so I went for a run on Friday, and I plan to go for an other one in half an hour. However, I did realise since the local temperature is getting lower and lower I really need to buy some warm thing for my ears. Any ideas? Also, please if you know any good mapping application or site for measuring running distances, please drop me a line, it would be greatly appreciated. Cheers. (:

Awake.

Good times, bad times

Last Tuesday we celebrated a day early a close friend’s birthday. We had tickets to the MUPA for a special movie screening, basically a modern jazz concert by the famous Hungarian vocalist, Veronika Harcsa. Before the concert we went to a restaurant to have dinner, and it was a great opportunity also, because our birthday friend brought her Portuguese boyfriend (whom I haven’t seen for almost 1,5 years), and he also brought a Portuguese friend so we had a lovely company. Unfortunately my tummy felt freaky so I only ordered an iced-coffee, but for my bad luck they put all the sugary cream and sugar without asking my opinion. I didn’t want to make a scene and make a deal about it, so I drank half of the glass. (I have some issues with my stomach and sugar.) Anyway, we went to a concert which first was hell but after the first 3 tracks turned out to be awesome. The music was so unbelievably beautiful and touching so when the show was over we were in a complete shock. It was only around 10 pm so we decided to go to the birthday girl’s apartment to chill and have a tea since it was freezing cold. We had so much fun there, started to share the common stories, watch the photos the guys made in Zagreb, etc. And then came a point where my tummy started to hurt again and I felt that very unpleasant pain all over. The whole ‘thing’ is getting better and better but still. Especially when you’re surrounded people and don’t want them to know. I cannot help myself so I lay down to the sofa. We were supposed to leave but I kept saying ‘a couple minutes’ when they realized there was something wrong. The birthday girl’s boyfriend is a doctor, so he started to ask questions. And randomly I started to talk. Which I never do about ‘this’ situation. Never, not even on this blog, not even with my closest friends. I still don’t know why or how it happened, despite the fact that it freaked me out that he did know the medical background of these things. So basically I didn’t have to say ‘that much’. Anyway, it was better to hear things in such informal atmosphere and from a different point of view. And I was so surprised to hear something, which I haven’t heard before, that ‘it’s okay’. I mean I always heard how bad and abnormal thing this is, but never, never that ‘it’s okay’. For a very long time this was the first time when I didn’t feel so bad and guilty. Maybe that’s the key.

On our way back home this whole conversation freaked me out a lot. I hardly got any sleep and I had an early morning class. Tuesday was great but by Wednesday I basically fell apart. The thing that someone I know knew (and by this I mean really knew) completely messed me up. Then it got worse. I felt not so great then, I mean physically too. It had probably something to do with 8-9 hours sleep in 3 days and the chaos in my head, and the test I was supposed to write that day. I kept doing so weird things all day, like walking out from two classes in the middle and such things. I just wanted to go home so I packed my stuffs and caught a bus back to my home city. But I even cried on a bus.

I’m still shocked why I was so emotional on that day. But it’s quite obvious. I also had that very first freaking out in the 11th week that this is a very long journey and I’m still very far from my goal. But I have to admit, it’s the longest I could control myself … like ever. And I didn’t run to food or the bathroom. I was so messed up but I didn’t even think about it. To tell the truth, no matter how hard that day was for me, but it might mean that even if it’s very slow, that I’m doing a huge progress. Crazy.

Weekend in the country side

I was waiting for the past two days because with my aunt we drove to the country side to visit my grandma’s cute cottage. The landscape is amazing, the fresh air and autumn leaves were supposed to colour our weekend. The weekend basically started with a C25k run. First it was very chilly and I thought I was unable to complete the training. Luckily after 5 minutes I was back on track, and finished quite good.

At my grandma we basically did nothing but reading under a blanket, drinking tea and Irish Mist, talking and sleeping. I wish the weather had been better so that it wouldn’t have been so freezing outside.

On the other thing, eating. My grandma is a wonderful cook and as soon as we arrived I saw nothing but home made cakes and cookies … everywhere. First I thought it had been a bad dream but it was reality. I have to confess that keeping myself away from all the deliciousness wasn’t hard. I only tasted one, a small bite and that was more than enough. I was rather bothered by that everyone noticed I lost weight. Probably it sounds weird but I haven’t made a big fuss about my goal to lose the weight, I only mentioned a hint to my mom when she asked and then we finished the conversation. Most of the times I feel ashamed that I’m doing a weight loss oriented diet and I work out on a regular basis. Can not explain why but I try to keep it in a secret as much as it is possible, so when it was dinner time I felt so uncomfortable when I had to tell my grandma and aunt that I would rather only eat cottage cheese and fruits. It was weird, uncomfortable and then they started to ask questions about my weight loss, progress etc.

I don’t want to sound like I am not proud of myself. Because I am. But I just wish I wouldn’t need to share these kind of things with people. I’m starting to feel comfortable with this issue on this blogosphere but it’s so weird when people notice the change and start to ask questions. But on the other hand the compliments I get were nice. But it’s still a long road to go.

The scale

Today’s weight: 75.3 kg / 165.6 lbs. That’s a 1.3 kg / 2.6 lbs loss for this week!!! (:

The stats: I officially lost 9.17 % of my starting weight, which means 7.6 kg / 16.7 lbs in 10 weeks. 45 % of my goal is achieved.

By next week I’m hoping to fulfill my minigoal to get under the 75 kg mark. And now, since I had breakfast (a half bagel with jam and a half bowl of red grapes) I’m off to go for a run (however it’s 43 degrees outside) before I leave for the countryside this weekend.

False self-image

I’m starting to feel and notice of the benefits of healthy lifestyle, but still I’m a bit concerned about how slow this has been going. On the other hand I also start to feel a little bit more confident about myself, so this week I chose some pieces from my wardrobe which I haven’t worn for a while. I’m not saying those fit perfectly, but I enjoyed wearing them. No idea why, but I felt skinny - or at least skinnier. But this feeling lasted until I saw myself in the campus mirror.

To tell the truth this weight loss is hard for me because my weight has been fluctuating for 6 years, but this summer I reached my heaviest. (instead of stable 73kg I weighted almost 83kg) For a very long time I had no weight problems and when I started to gain notable amount of weight when I was 16 I didn’t care because I just didn’t believe that I could have gained that much. Every time I looked into the mirror I didn’t see the obvious, and I suppose many people are familiar with this. In my mind I have always been ‘skinny’ but the reality always hits when I step into a clothing store and try to find some decent pieces, but none of the fit. And here comes the mind game. I’ve been doing fine, eating healthy, working out for quite a time and I still have to be declared as a fat person.

I’m okay with that. But I wish I hadn’t had any weight loss, fat fighter past which I could always be compared to. However, I really don’t want to complain, because negative attitude never leads anywhere and I do enjoy wearing the pants which are getting loose. It looks funny, but feels amazing. (:

October

Weight: 76.5kg / 168.3lbs (Can’t believe I reached the sixties especially since I eat so bad the past week!)

I know it’s already mid October but my early month lack of enthusiasm postponed this monthly entry. When September started I wrote about the goals, expectations and now I’m trying to do the same and review the past month. The list:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm (there were only 3-4 exceptions)
- Start the run 5k program
- Try out yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week (though I worked out mostly 3 times a week, but those were very active and effective workout sessions, so I consider it a success)

All in all September went well, I passed that crucial exam I was so afraid of, I moved to a new place which turned out to be amazing, my last year of university is also going pretty well. Tons of schoolwork but I manage to find the balance. I’m also living a very active social life right now, there was a week when I went out 4 nights. However, I feel very insecure around people. Not because I care about their opinion me being fat (I do care a little), but the simple fact that I’m not feeling comfortable in my own skin. It can be so annoying to witness what my life would be if I wasn’t this heavy. And I say this because in my friend circle basically I’m the only one who is obese.

As for October I have bigger plans. I mean September seemed like a test month for me, whether I can keep up with myself while I need to attend classes and be back to Budapest. It worked, I just need to boost things up a little. I calculated a little with the numbers and in order to get close to my goal by my birthday I need 1.8-2 pound weekly losses. On 5th November I’m also invited to a huge party, so my short term goal is to get close to the 160lbs mark. In addition:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- blog regularly
- finish 5k program
- increase weekly workout sessions
- give yoga another try

Run!

It’s amazing that in running how a person’s stamina can improve in such short term. I remember my first run, I hardly could jog through the 8 * 1 minute sets. I kept checking my watch that how an earth could 60 seconds last an eternity.

However, my fears (knee problems?, am I too heavy to run?) are still on the surface but despite all of this I always look forward to the running days. I found a great training for those who haven’t run in a long time and it seems to cooperate with my annoying (I’d love to believe unnecessary) fears. I thought I’d share in case somebody’s interested (you can also follow my progress):

On the other hand I am very lucky because in Budapest I live on the bank side Danube and nearby there’s a gorgeous running place. It’s not that crowded, less smog because there are no traffic-heavy roads and streets (only an urban train). The view is so lovely I can never get bored of it.

However, I wonder what is going to happen in the next few weeks. We’ve been lucky with the weather so far, amazing indian summer days, lovely sunshine. But chilly days are coming soon...

Weight loss reboot

I haven’t given up on the weight loss blogosphere but it has certainly been a while since I last updated.

The main reason of the absence was most likely something like Hadley mentioned in her blog a week ago. Boredom. I grew tired of constant proportion control and all the healthy food, workouts and such. According to my excel sheet I lost 12.3lbs in 8 weeks. Seems a bit slow, nevertheless, I won’t complain. Every week I stepped on the scale (except the first one) I lost weight. Even if it was just a tiny loss. Somehow ‘living healthy’ became a monotonous routine of my life and I just couldn’t see the goal anymore I set in the beginning. So if I wrote a week 7 review, it would involve rambling about bad food choices and feeling blue. For instance last weekend I did something I promised I would leave behind myself. I went to the supermarket and bought a bag of chips, cookies and a bag of pretzels. All the items are known to be high in fat, obviously junk food. I used to have daily trips like this one (the reason I became fat) to the supermarket but seriously I haven’t done it for 7 weeks. I felt a little remorse because I knew I should have been a bit more responsible but some dark thoughts kept whispering why on the earth not to have a real binge after all this time? On the other hand I didn’t feel bad because I had been a good girl for 7 weeks. Also, in the deep I somehow hoped that a binge could throw me back on track because I would realize how crazy that lifestyle and how I wanted to change. I also attended to a birthday party last weekend where I decided not to say no to alcohol (yay champagne and martini!) and the cake. All together my theory worked. Turned out that during the last 7 weeks my body got used to healthy meals and I had an awful tummy ache for 2 days.

I believe in trends and the problems of sustainable growth (in this case sustainable weight loss) is a hell of a struggle to maintain. I think last week my mood was also influenced by Friday’s ridiculous 0.6 pound loss, however I ate well and worked out 4 times that week. I also started to be less enthusiastic about everything and maybe sometimes a sugar free diet can throw you for a mind loop.

Anyway, a new month started and I seem to be doing fine. It’s just patience I have a serious problem with.

Food as lifebelt

I have this huge exam coming up this Friday. It basically contains 2 years of hardcore accounting studies and the exam is mandatory. Of course, school has started, already tons of presentations, team works, essays etc. Not to mention I had already taken an other stressful exam on 11th Sept and haven’t had the chance to recover yet.

On the other hand this summer I decided to live healthy. But knowing my past healthy lifestyle and food can’t exist together. I realized during my 6 years of binging that I either ate because I was under so much stress (mostly school deadlines, exams) or I had already gained so much weight that I became depressed. Anyway, I think I can say that the past 6 weeks I was binge-free, yesterday this fact changed a little.

I tried to study for that exam I mentioned but I had so much other things to do, that I just constantly felt freaked out, stressed and somehow angry too. Yesterday evening I couldn’t handle it anymore and it happened. Like an instinct. After all I say it could have been worse, but definitely something I want to leave behind. I’d really love to wake up one day and say, when stress hits me I don’t end up running towards food.

The Pants

I read this week some wonderful stories about the benefits of weight loss: smaller sizes, loose pants etc. You know what have happened to me recently? One of my favorite pants teared. Totally. I was coming home last Sunday and when I was changing clothes I realised a huge open tear on the back of my pants. It could have been embarassing too, no idea if anyone noticed because my shirt might have covered the tear. Hopefully. I think this may nothing to do with my weight because the cloth material was so special and slim, and I did bought that pants 5 years ago but I'm sure it teared because I wore it occassionally when I was much bigger. I really liked that pants.

Same day I decided that I would wear my black elegant pants since my favorite just gave up on me. And then what happened? The slide fastener broke. I couldn't wear my second favorite either.

I have to tell, now I officially lost 11.6 lbs, I'm supposed to feel good about my pants and now they are keep giving up on me. Why? The sad thing I have so many clothes, at least 15-20 pants I can't wear because they don't fit. I had only 3-4 pants I could wear and now I can throw out two. I have one very nice and elegant but it's still a bit tight that's why I never feel comfortable in it because I know how strange my belly and hips look whenever I choose to wear that.

You know I used to be slim and when I started to gain weight about six years ago I refused to accept that I was gaining weight. Ever since I've tried not to buy so many clothing items because first, I refused to buy anything bigger sized considering my past, second, I always thought gaining weight was just temporary and later I wouldn't need the bigger clothes anyway, so the whole thing would be a waste of money. Obviously, I wouldn't think that this situation would go for six years and during these years I hardly bought any pants. Pathetic, I know. And right now, at this moment, when I would be screaming that finally they fit, they just gave up on me.

The thing is now that I'm losing weight I refuse to buy anything because I'm 100 percent sure that this time I can make it to the goal. I'd love to lose another 25lbs which is a remarkably big difference in clothing sizes. But I have this ridiculous fear if I buy something comfortable it would slow things down. I'm not a masochist but the way I dress now and the way I wear my clothes is a huge motivator.

And I don't think I've mentioned I started this weight loss thing when none of my pants fitted.

The first run

So, I know I've been whining about running for a while and since my workouts got a bit neglected today I finally went for it. I found a quite nice 6 week training schedule for 5k, I plan to pursue that one.

It was ... great, but hard. Luckily my legs weren't that heavy as I expected so I could actually run, but it was tiring. I did a 10 minute warm up power walk to the lakes, then 8 times 1 min running 2 min walking. However, it occured to me many times if I ever could run again 10 minutes (I'm not that brave to write down 30 min) without stopping. Right now this seems so far away.

But I also came up with some conclusions for the next workout:

• wear different pants. The one I wore today just wasn't designed for running.
• don't wear my contacts. 'E' suggested this practical one in an email, and today I did realise her point. There were so many people out at the lakes today, just sitting and chatting and only a few runners. I don't care about them, but it's better not to see them. (:
• my iPod shuffle was a great idea to buy. I had an iPod classic but in March I bought this for running. It's a shame it was its first time in action.

Okay, got to go back to study. :(

Moving forward ... but standing still.

Yesterday I sneak peeked on the scale: 78.6kg / 172.9lbs. I must be doing okay because ever since I've been tracking my food, workout and weight I'm losing every week. But I also checked my excel spreadsheet (I'm using the one which was up on Shauna's website) and I realised this:

week 1: +1.1

week 2: -6.16

week 3: -1.76

week 4: -0.44

week 5: -2.2

total loss: 9.46

The thing is that I have this bittersweet feeling. Happy for the loss but I'm starting to losing the motivation, especially towards the workout thing. However, I know this is only because I had an incredibly rough and tiring week and I haven't had a workout since Tuesday. Still, everything just seems so slow. And everything seems so far away. I honestly accepted that this losing weight getting healthy thing would be for a long term and would last months, to get rid of the extra weight which took me years to pack on, it's just some natural impatiance I guess. Until last week I was at home, no work just studying for the big exam. I had plenty of time to work out and plan those work outs. Now, with school starting, having an insane schedule, social life, presentations already, not to mention I have an other similarly huge exam ahead of me (Oct 2) I just don't find the strenght to keep the enthusiasm towards my workouts.

I'm not considering giving up, I just wish my life wouldn't be about constant deadlines right now. But I don't want to stand still while I could move forward. Balance? Maybe a new kind of workout ... maybe I stop whining about why I can't run and start doing it.

Week 4-5 - Review

Last friday I had to take an exam which was hell. The exam was 4 hours long, all about hardcore business mathematics, statistics and probability theory. I should have taken it a long time ago but I kept postponing it so I reached a point where the stake was high. If I hadn't passed the exam, I would have been dismissed. 4 years of studying would have been in vain, just before my final 5th year. I passed the exam though.

But the hard part was the pressure and that I did know how important this was and how I had big things to lose. So last week I did well with my eating and working out until Wednesday. Then the anxiety and stress won, and I took a break from tracking my food and workouts. I know this journey is supposed to be about handling stress without eating problems, binging etc. But those days were so freaking crazy that I had to prioritize for my academic future.

I didn't work out for 4 days. I thought under the pressure those 4 days would be all about binging and gaining weight (as I usually do and why I became fat) but I have to tell, I didn't eat that bad at all. I ate some things I haven't been eating for a while but no huge portions. I did eat after 7 but not that much I would regret the other day. Because of this exam I was an emotional wreck, I couldn't sleep for days. But I'm proudly can say that the past 5 weeks taught me to make unconciously better choices. That's an improvement.

This Monday was the first day of school and it was crucial that everyone was so relaxed and happy because their summer wasn't about this damn exam. I have to confess, this summer was especially hard and emotional.

But being back to school I can handle this new lifestyle. I'm starting to have a good relationship with food, I have a great place for running/powerwalking workout on the bankside Danube.

I also went for a gym class after a 2 year break. I was very nervous. It was step aerobics, with a bunch of very fashionable, skinny freshmen. And I was the oldest and fattest among them. I don't like to work out in groups because I hate the feeling that I'm different. But I will go next week too. It is not the happiest 80 minutes of my week, but I don't want to give up and as hard as it is to be there, at least I'm being reminded that I want to change.

I'm still in game

It's been extremely busy 7 days, with my complex exam, moving, university starting, no internet connection, friends, late nights etc. But I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. (:

The big picture

I haven't taken the courage yet to write about goals. First week was filled with doubts whether I could make it or not, then I dived into the books and notes for a very important exam. Yesterday evening I tried to loosen up a bit so instead of studying I spent 1,5 hour browsing online articles, lovely sites. I read through again Shauna's top 20 weight loss tips, the list which has been very helpful even though I have previous experience in this weight loss thing. The number one on the list is 'start with the big picture, write down your goals and be specific'.

Well, of course I want to lose weight. I don't know how much but as for now I aim to reach 145lbs. Then we'll see. But I'm absolutely sure that not the scale number will make me happy. Before I became overweight I was a carefree girl, open minded, I was in every game, having fun, socializing and doing normal things. Ever since I became overweight and addicted to food I became very reserved, shy and introverted. I bought an air plane ticket to Lisboa, Portugal to hang out with friends this spring but I cancelled it because I was fat. I rejected a semester at the Estonian Tallin Business University because I thought I could not go because I was fat. I couldn't go to Spain for a month this summer with my friends to walk 500 km because I was fat with no stamina. I don't like to go to clubs any more because I can not dress myself well, I don't feel good in my skin next to my really gorgeous looking friends. I know being fat can not be an excuse not to do great things and honestly, I really envy those people who can live carefree and not to feel intimidated. However, knowing my past I'm aware that not just this fat thing stole my self confidence but definitely the food addiction was the biggest problem factor. So I wanna lose weight because I wanna know myself, I wanna do things and have carefree fun, be healthy.

I read a book this summer, Gardens of Delight by Erica James. There was this expression in it called 'Maybe Queen'. I think I'm perfect example of that, having lots of opportunities but afraid of them because my self built boundaries. So yes, this journey is not going to be just the number of pounds lost.

On the other hand besides losing weight I would love to be healthy again and break up my food addiction. It would be lovely to have a decent relationship with food.

I would also love to run again. I'm taking baby steps, still waiting for dropping a couple kilos before I start just to be sure I won't cause any harm to my knees. I checked out races and I found a very cool idea, with which my mind had been playing around for a while. Every month there's a friendly midnight run in the city on the route of the tram number 6, a gorgeous, gorgeous route. 8,3 km. I aim to race on 11th Dec.

Last, but not least for 2009 I aim to regain my German knowledge and go for the near native level. Say hi to Berlin!

Deadline? I'm not sure if it is possible to reach 145 by my 24birthday but I'll do my best. Two years ago when I was losing weight I didn't set any goals, dates etc. But it might be a good idea to set a date to feel the push and keep myself motivated:

6th December, 2009.

Week 3 - Review

Still doing okay, though I'm a bit starting to lose the motivation and enthusiasm. Maybe it's because the weather has been so freaky lately or more likely that badass exam which is on this Friday. That exam covers 3 years of hardcore Mathematics and Statistics education and the stake is high. I really need to pass no matter what.

Eating is also okay, though a quick note to myself, if I want to lose weight I need to forget bread. I also stepped on the scale this morning and I was 79.4kg / 174.6lbs. My aim is to get under 79 by this week's official weigh-in.

The science of the ideal weight

Yesterday during my workout I was thinking about running again. But I have doubts that maybe with this much extra weight I'm carrying now it wouldn't be the best idea to start at the moment. I checked out some running schedules a couple days ago and looked for any advice for overweight people. Hardly found any but I read an interview with Sarolta Monspart where she said her training schedule would be optimal for anyone who's maximum 15% overweight.

Okay, here comes my second problem. When I started to have weight issues I was only 16 years old so I cannot compare my ideal weight to those times. I set 66kg / 145lbs as a goal only because two years ago when I lost weight that was the lowest I reached and I felt good at that point. And of course I had to name this blog something. (: Anyway, I googled some weight calculators just to have some aspect in this topic.

Fitness Online calculates with frame size, current weight, gender, age and height. But according to the manual I think my frame size is right between middle and small. So with small frame size my 'ideal weight range' is between 123 and 136, with medium frame size between 133 and 147.

Halls.md calculates with age, gender, height and weight. According to this site my 'ideal weight' is exactly 145.

Health Status says (based on gender and height) that my ideal is supposed to be 143, but the recommended weight range is between 127 and 159.

Health Central (variables are frame size, height, weight) says with the option small frame size that the ideal weight range for me is 138 - 151.8. With the option medium frame size it's 148 - 162.8.

As a comparison, my current BMI is 27.5 (overweight), the goal BMI (for 145lbs) is 22.7. (normal weight)

So as a conclusion I may say that 145 is reasonable in my case. Somehow I think my ideal weight (not theoretically but from previous experience) is below that. But, don't forget the reason I started this whole calculation thing:

if I say that my ideal weight is 145, that means 15% overweight is 166.76 lbs. Right now compared to 145 I'm 21% overweight.

It may sound weird that I calculated so much for something but I used to run and I'm still reading a lot about running. I'm not afraid of my legs, I just want to be careful with my knees. I spent so many time without exercise and I don't want to make a big mistake. Am I too strict to myself?

***

Note: I don't give a damn about the scale numbers actually, I just want to feel good and comfortable in my own skin.

Nothing happens by accident

I was a good girl during these three weeks, I literally ate no candies, cookies, cakes etc. (though I could have but said no) So I thought I'd have pizza for lunch. It was a smaller pizza but somehow it felt a bit too much. Probably because now I eat smaller portions. Anyway I was so full, my tummy didn't feel right. I was also in a middle of a study session and there was some Coke in the fridge so I thought that little coffeine now could save me for not falling asleep on the books and notes.

Later I needed to run some errands, post office and such and while I was passing by the supermarket I thought about more 'treats'. You know a person can never be satisfied, always want more and more ... But luckily I managed to agree with myself that the pizza I had and the 2 glasses of Coke were enough for one day. However, on my way home I wasn't sure about my decision. I checked the mailbox and there was something fancy for me. It was a junkmail which I never get. As I opened it turned out to be this:

Recipes for cakes and all kinds of cookies. Seriously. I can't even bake. And how an earth did I get a mail like this the minute I felt to give in for the cravings? All the 'dark thoughts' disappeared immediately.

This is what I call improvement.

September

Say hi to the seventies:
weight: 79.8kg / 175.5lbs

I haven’t really taken the time to figure out my expectations for September but better late than never. It is going to be a busy month, I’m in a middle of studying for a crucial exam on 11th. University officially starts on the 14th, I move back to the city on the 12th. (new place, but I’m not enthusiastic) Besides my regular classes to attend, I have to face an other exam (the second hardest, ever) somewhere around end of September, no exact date yet. Hardcore academics.

I have no idea which is my biggest fear for this month, probably that I have to figure out the exercise thing. Now that I’m home it was easy with the indoor activities in my own privacy but living in an university dorm that’s totally different. Good thing it is located by the river, great place to go out for a powerwalk. I need the challenge, I need speed, so maybe even running. Gym would be an obvious solution but my self-confidence is extremely low for that right now. Too many mirrors. However, I signed up for a step-aerobics class for Tuesday morning at the university. Baby steps.
I shouldn’t be freaking out about the workouts though but the thing is I’m starting to trust myself with eating. It’s balanced but somehow, as much as I can remember in my case exercise was always the key point. So the goals for this month:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm
- Start the run 5k program
- regular yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week

Day 17 - The first (almost) break

I don't know what was going on with me but I felt so blue all day. I was cranky and gloomy, I didn't want to do anything just be. I tried to find out what could have been behind these emotions.

First, I have a very important complex exam on 11th Sept which I'm pretty much stressed about. It is no joke, five subjects, hardcore mathematics and statistics. I've been studying for quite a while but I think it's absolutely impossible to prepare for it. The other thing I've been doing okay with eating, which means low carb, no sugar. And maybe I miss sugar because I think it may be true that sugar can cheer you up. (however, I used to eat sugar and felt depressed after so I don't know).

So I was so blah, I went with my mom for a long grocery shopping trip and when we arrived home I was so in a mood to eat. I wanted so badly to binge. But it wasn't really because I was hungry, it was maybe something I used to do as a habit and I felt the need to do it. I don't know. I know, too much I don't knows in this post. (:

Anyway there was a point, when I didn't care. But even if it is only 17 days and I'm in a middle of breaking a bad habit I went instead for a long power walk. And it felt great. I could clear my mind and it made me remember what I want to leave behind myself. To be able to control such situations in the long term. I know if I gave in eating wouldn't have cheered me up either. So at least I didn't waste another healthy eating day, and I also added a non planned workout.

Workout disaster

Yesterday I decided I would do something new today on the workout field. I have a DVD which I like very much, basically a 40 minute exercise split in two 20 minute pieces. I usually do the second part which is choreographed on the ground, concentrates on the thigh, butt, abs area. It is freaking hard and painful but I know the routine very well.

The first part on the other hand is more active kind, full body workout, emphasis is on the lower body. Basically a circuit training with squats and lunges etc.

So I was fully prepared, and when it comes to workout I never give up easily but this time I had to. I only made the first 6 minutes when I had to admit this was not going to work. I felt unsteady, it hurt, it wasn't just right. Though I am not sure, maybe if the choreography hadn't been so fast I would have safely done the lunges. Maybe.

I gave up mostly because I got scared. This is the second time in my life when I am over 80 kilos but last time I weigh this much I wasn't doing any exercise. (I did a special diet to go back to 76kg) So I'm worried what this kind of exercise could do to my knees. When I'm doing my power walking I have an urge to run, like I used to but I'm not sure it's a safe way right now if I'm seeing the big picture on long term. That's the main reason I choose my workout sessions to keep the pressure from my knees.

Maybe I'm overprotective but I don't know. I would rather avoid an injury or a bad move which may end up real bad. But this boundary thing pisses me off very much. Being fat sucks.

I cannot wait not to measure this factor so I can run again!

Week 2 - Review

I have a secret obsession with organizing some things, for instance I'm really glad I'm having a food journal. It's not just about writing down what I ate but I really like to look over it and analyze things. The same goes for my workout log. It may have something to do with that I'm studying finance, so I do numbers, trends all the time.

Anyway, my eating habits are changing. It is true how doing things step by step is easier. When I made my decision a little more than two weeks ago I tried not to be too drastic. The first week was all about making my food choices better, obviously not perfect. It was not that easy.

This week I tried to eat normal lunch every day, not too much. Breakfast always. Way back it also worked for me miracles that for dinner I ate lots of vegetables or only fruits. This is seems to be working again. I struggle with the 'dark thoughts' (aka the need for binge) sometimes but so far I managed to control. I can even say no to cookies and cakes.

And this is the workout log for last week. Ib stands for indoor bicycle, pw is power walking, RR is a 20 minute workout dvd session.

I think I'm doing okay.

Re-thinking

Was I gloomy today morning? Yes I was but I have some other things to be stressed out too. Anyway I put some effort into re-thinking today morning's reaction and I realised I judged it from the wrong way. It was then a big success for me, the only time during the 6 years of struggling with my weight when something really worked and I lost weight instead of gaining. That's why it was a milestone in my life. But what happened two years ago, happened. (and I have to admit, if I have done it absolutely right I wouldn't be here)

The point is what happened two weeks ago that's something. And I have to compare the past two weeks to the past 1,5 years. I started to care about again what I eat, I'm active, I can have a good night sleep again, I exercise on a regular basis, I eat fruits, I don't binge etc. Instead of course being lazy and simply not caring. I feel I have goals again and I'm waking up from some winter sleep.

I never really saw the point of this saying until today:

The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.

Weigh in

Weight: 80.6kg / 177.7lbs

I have been having some controversy with the scale but yesterday I bought the needed batteries so no more 'technical diffculties'. But have to admit as much as I happy for the weight loss (I worked for hard!) I was a bit disappointed when I saw the number. It is just I had been steady 73-75kg for years and last week the scale once even showed 83.9kg. Frightening for me. I've been feeling fine and I'm proud of myself that I made the decision to change my life and attitude but I just wish I wasn't self pitying myself all the summer so I wouldn't have gained the last 6-7 kg which now I have to get rid of. The whole thing would be much easier if I've done things differently. It hurts to realise how much I hurt myself with maintaining a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Last time I lost all the weight I started from 73kg and every new number gave me the courage to keep on doing what I was doing because the numbers were 'new', if you know what I mean. I think this is the main reason I feel some kind of disappointment and sadness. I know the 'method', I know what to expect. But I have to stop compare everything to that time. But the circumtances are so familiar, you really have no idea how much. I try to work on this issue in my mind.

Pancakes.

I just got back from an evening power walking workout around the lake and I really regret I didn't take at least a cell phone with myself to capture the sunset. It was especially lovely today. I also start to feel positive about my food choices so I decided as a reward I deserved some pancakes for today's lunch. Filled with cocoa. Yumm. I'm not much of a kitchen person so it is kind of an achivement.

Ingredients:

200 g plain flour

40 ml milk

10 ml sparkling water

1 egg

a pinch of salt

1 teaspoon oil

for filling you can use anyhing, like cocoa, jam, cottage cheese, etc.

Preparation:

Sift the flour into a bowl. Add the egg, salt and oil and mix with the milk until smooth. Add the sparkling water only at this point to prevent the dough from forming little knobs. Let is sit for 30 minutes. Ladle a bit of dough into the skillet, enough to form an even coat. Twril the skillet to make it as even and round possible. Over medium to heat bake the undersite of the pancake in a minute or so. Check with a wide, flat wooden spoon if it's done, or shake the skillet a bit if the pancake free to move it is ready. Push the wooden spoon completely under the pancake and flip it over. Baking the other side will take shorte time, about 30 seconds. Slide the paper-thin pancakes on a large plate. Before serving pile on the filling, roll it up or fold into quaters, or into shape of bundle.

Week 1 - Review

I had no idea last Sunday if I could make it for a week. Sad to say but after years of weight loss & gain struggles I lost faith in myself. I either thought too much to just start the 'healthy lifestyle' (like constant planning, or not today but tomorrow), or I did start it with extreme expectations and goal for short term period and I gave up in days.

But I tried to remember how my last big attempt worked two years ago and I went with it. The key is really just do it, keep a food journal and exercise. But my biggest problem/fear has always been the pressure that what if I eat something 'bad', then the whole day is ruined (because in my head there were only 'perfect days' with 'perfect choices') so feel free to keep overeating, no need to exercise at all since today as I said is already ruined. It kept going like this for a long time so no surprise that I gained weight.

I had some doubts about the first week. What if I admit in my food journal that I ate something I shouldn't have, or didn't exercise, the same happens on the other day and I accept the fact. But not from a weight loss point of view but from an other one, that nothing happens, I just accept now on a daily basis on paper that I am overweight and I would keep being overweight.

But as a review I can say I did well for the first week. I documented everything I ate and my workouts. Of course I find some things from my old habits but I also see improvement. For example I gave up a recent 'addiction' of mine: Coca Coke. I drank it all the time ridiculously lot and now it has been replaced with herbal tea and water. Day by day. I haven't been the water drinker type to say the least.
Also instead of disgust I started to eat fruits and vegetables. I even paid attention not to eat after 6 or 7pm and I made sure I always ate breakfast so I wouldn't be so hungry by lunch. I also tried to eat only as much I needed. No huge portions or doubles, if it wasn't necessary.

The exercise part went okay, especially since I haven't done any workouts for almost 1,5 years. Seriously. So I went for power walks, I had indoor bicycle workouts and I dusted my used to be favourite fitness dvd. Little things like using stairs instead of elevators.

The scale thing: I have no idea. I will try it on Thursday (hope it will work) but so far I can already feel the benefits. Still really hard for me to accept that this time losing weight (in a long term!) is going to be a long road, but I'm sure it'll worth it. I really want to change my life because obesity gives me nothing but boundaries.

Important lesson

I was out of town for a couple days and I didn't really exercise. So yesterday I decided I would try to make up for it. I had a 30 minute indoor bicycle workout in my mind, spiced with intervals.

I started light, keeping the pace around 8-9 km/h for 10 minutes as a warmup. Then I changed to 10-11 km/h for 5 minutes, then above 11 km/h. I had the intervals above 12-13 km/h for 2 minutes, then 11 for 1 minute rest.

I have to admit I completed what I had in mind but it was really hard. First the realisation that my cardio is in a real bad condition. (no surprise of course but with some sport-related past I know what I used to be capable of)

Secondly I made the typical mistake. During my weekend getaway I made some 'bad food' choices so the day before I only had two bigger peaches for dinner. And the same for yesterday's breakfast. I had my workout before lunch. While I was on the bike I felt how my energy went away and I started to feel weak. The whole workout seemed like a huge struggle, in the end I just got off the bike, laid down the bed and tried to breathe slowly.

Lesson: I forgot how important it is to eat, in order to complete a hard workout session. I think this happens to everyone once in a while, but still. If I plan to lose the weight with working out I have to keep this in mind.

The batteries hate Thursdays

(originally posted 08/20/09)

Yesterday evening when I was walking home I was thinking whether I should document my 1st week official weigh-in or not. It's mostly because I set up this blog a week ago but the first couple of days (basically until Sunday) were like the same. I did eat a lot, junk mostly and I made no attempt to even take a walk or some exercise. I didn't write anything to my food journal either. Conclusion: I must have gained some during those 4 days.

So I was thinking, since Monday I've been doing fine. I made better (emphasis on better) food choices, kept the food journal, drank water instead of some sugary crap and I did exercise. Also made my life more active, like I added some evening walks. Honestly, I feel how working out is hard for me right now. I used to be sporty so I know what I was capable of, and now the same thing is really hard. But I'm doing it, that's the point.

I just didn't want to disappoint myself in the begining, however, I did peek on the scale yesterday during the day and it said 83.9. I know it wasn't official, I just hope, even if I haven't lost any weight yet but I don't want to weigh more that I did last week.

Today morning I decided I would weigh myself, even capture a photo. I was about to turn on the camera when I realised the batteries were dead. Okay, no problem. Then I went to the scale which was stubborn enough again, just like last week. It kept showing the Low sign, and since it's a national holiday here no chance to change the special batteries today. I gave up. I just hope that my 'relationship' with the scale improves in the future because we are definitely not the best friends right now.

Bad news equal eating?

(originally posted 19/08/09)

My main problem (and I think this is the main reason I have this major problem) is that I am an 'overeater'. An emotional overeater.

Like today I started okay, in good mood, excited for starting another healthy day without any 'dark thoughts' (like I choose bad food and skip exercise because I'm lazy). Then midday I received some bad news (more of something which made me mad and confused). I immediately thought of eating. (!!!) Like right now I would go to the supermarket, buy some cookies and stuff, and screw this 'I'm going to lose weight' thing. But I tried to resist to the temptation. I finished my work, and then I hopped on the indoor bicycle for a 40 minute exercise. Later I had lunch so I tought that then the hunger would go away. A couple hours later though the 'dark thoughts' came back. Especially when I saw the Nesquik Cocoa in the cupboard and immediately had a random thought to make pancakes.

I don't want to be so strict with my diet so that I can not keep up with it. I know myself, I've been there. Extremes are dangerous for me because I either starve myself or overeat so much junk I would be even embarressed to admit it. When I'm in a situation described above it is never about just one cookie. Or one chocholate bar. It's more, like one (or two) whole bag of something, and I probably drink soda instead of water.

So instead of giving in for the 'dark thoughts' I ate 4 peaches. I didn't want to starve myself and wait till dinner because I'm 100 percent sure that would end up real bad, like going to the supermarket after all.

I'm okay now. But I'm telling you, finding the balance is one hell of a big struggle.

Just do it!

(originally posted 18/08/09)

Seriously, ever since I created this blog (approx. a week ago) I haven't done anything worth to mention towards losing weight. (except the opposite) I really don't know why but basically the whole summer was the same for me. There has been this cloud screaming 'you need to loose weight, now, you know you want it' above my head, and I know it's there so let it be. Planning, planning, planning. Excuses, like 'as of tomorrow' etc. Even if I made a bad food choice before noon I'd said okay, then I'd start tomorrow the 'heathy life' and kept making bad food choices for all day. Vicious circle. Then Sunday evening I had that kind of 'wake up' moment. You know, something major hit me and I literally was forced to go out and do something about it.

Then yesterday I dusted my indoor bicycle. I had a 45-minute-exercise, then since I hadn't really gone anywhere yesterday I just had the impulse so I went for an evening power walking session around the nearby lake. And you know what? It felt great. I haven't been exercising for quite a while and I forgot how it felt. I even realised that I made better choices subconsciously for what I ate and drink yesterday. So I have to admit, there is something about in the 'just do it' slogan, indeed.

The scale

(originally posted 13/08/09)

I needed to know my 'starting weight' so today morning I collected all my courage and stepped on the scale. Funny thing happened first. The batteries were low so I spent 5 minutes figuring out how I could weigh myself. When I turned it on it was okay but as soon as I tried to measure my weight the numbers started to increase and close to the 'final number' it said 'low batteries'. I almost gave up. But somehow I figured out how I could trick the scale and it worked. The scale showed 82.9kg / 182.7lbs.

I have to confess it made me sad because somehow I believed I would have been closer to 80 instead of closer to 85. It is almost the highest weight I could remember, also considering the fact that I was 72kg this January. Kind of scary and disappointing. But I know the saying 'you don't gain it overnight nor can you likewise lose it'. It's just the fact that last time I put a real effort in losing the weight I was much lighter and it did seem an adventure. Now first I have to get rid of 10kg (which I have experience how much work). And to tell the truth even 10kg sound scary to me. That's so much. I know these are all on me, I can only blame myself. I think I just have to accept that this situation I am in right now not the same I was in two years ago. So I have to handle it accordingly.

The background story

(originally posted 12/08/09)

Hi. I'm a 23 year old girl living in Europe. I have a weight problem. I have issues with eating too. This has been going on for about 6 years so here came the point where I say that's enough and I'm going to fight this 'thing'.

As I can recall it all started when I was 16 years old. My highschool girlfriends had some weight issues and I kinda got dragged into it. I only carried around 3-4kg extra on myself but this dieting, exercising madness became something bigger than me. I didn't realise at the time that my 'problem' was very different from what my friends had. (basically I had no problem) Then I lost weight, I did exercise, but I built a very strange relationship with food. I kept on going this lifestyle for a year when the habit of no-eating days and the over-eating days completely collapsed. I started to gain weight, from 53kg I went up to 60kg in a couple of months. I gave up exercising, I chose eating huge amount of junk food and cookies. My personality had changed, I became very introverted, I also skipped a year before I went to university. I stopped weighing myself, I pretended like everything was normal (but it wasn't) when I can not really remember when, but I realised I was 83 kg. Then university started and I found myself steady 73-74kg for like two years.

Of course every day I thought of dieting and losing weight. I was always obsessed with it. I had attempts, but the expectations I set for myself were so high that I was unable to meet them, usually gave up in a couple of days. Then 2 years ago I started dieting and exercising, trying to do it without the pressure which had failed me so many times in the past. I built a system and I was able to maintain it for 3-4 months. 67kg, and I was perfectly satisfied with it. But then I again. I stopped the system and gained the weight back. My weight though became steady. Altough this year was so hard at the university I started gaining again and sadly I'm over 80kg now.

But I can't bear it anymore. As I have experience how it is to be with a healthy body image now I have this miserable cloud over my head. It gives me such disadvantages. I hate them. The main problem is I am a perfect example for 'living is easy with eyes closed' and I hardly paid any attention to the actions I took as regards my health in the past.

So I've decided to start this blog and I'll do my best.