Bittersweet - Deadlines versus Carpe Diem.

Today’s weigh in: 71.3kg / 156.8lbs (0.6kg / 1.3lbs loss)

I really don’t want to complain, because even if I can’t run right now, I’m still losing. The pessimism might be due to October’s progress when I was doing sports actively and losing fast week by week. Now, it’s a little hard to process this new ‘gear’ I’m in. Sport became my daily routine in the past months and now I feel how I much I miss it. And around August I had a little something in my mind. I know it is embarrassing but I admit it: I wanted to be below 70 kg (or 150lbs) by the New Moon premiere. (I haven’t seen it yet, though)

I have some ideas why I’m in such a blah mood, but apart from that sometimes I think about which would be the better: to set goals and deadlines or just doing things carpe diem, without any pressure. Well, since I’m an economist/business major I still prefer deadlines and goals in order to be effective. Failure can be tough, but also motivating. In my case right now I feel disappointed, but on the other hand without any major workouts I’m only 1.3kg (2.8pounds) away from that milestone. After what I’ve been through it should be a piece of cake, right?

The other thing which bothers me a lot (besides the lack of workouts) that I really put my anxiety on other people. I don’t think I’m rude but I’ve been definitely talking way too much about weight loss, which has never – ever – been my strong point. (I’m still surprised by myself!) I tend to bring up the topic way too many times, and how disappointed I’m with this and that etc. I could keep this in a secret for a long time and now since it’s out maybe this is my way to handle ‘embarrassment’. No idea, but I need to stop. Really. Seriously.

One other confession: due to ‘other’ things, and my blah mood I had a binge day. Not a crucial one, but enough that I’m sick to my stomach… and it doesn’t feel nice. :(

Nothing happens by accident

I was a good girl during these three weeks, I literally ate no candies, cookies, cakes etc. (though I could have but said no) So I thought I'd have pizza for lunch. It was a smaller pizza but somehow it felt a bit too much. Probably because now I eat smaller portions. Anyway I was so full, my tummy didn't feel right. I was also in a middle of a study session and there was some Coke in the fridge so I thought that little coffeine now could save me for not falling asleep on the books and notes.

Later I needed to run some errands, post office and such and while I was passing by the supermarket I thought about more 'treats'. You know a person can never be satisfied, always want more and more ... But luckily I managed to agree with myself that the pizza I had and the 2 glasses of Coke were enough for one day. However, on my way home I wasn't sure about my decision. I checked the mailbox and there was something fancy for me. It was a junkmail which I never get. As I opened it turned out to be this:

Recipes for cakes and all kinds of cookies. Seriously. I can't even bake. And how an earth did I get a mail like this the minute I felt to give in for the cravings? All the 'dark thoughts' disappeared immediately.

This is what I call improvement.

Bad news equal eating?

(originally posted 19/08/09)

My main problem (and I think this is the main reason I have this major problem) is that I am an 'overeater'. An emotional overeater.

Like today I started okay, in good mood, excited for starting another healthy day without any 'dark thoughts' (like I choose bad food and skip exercise because I'm lazy). Then midday I received some bad news (more of something which made me mad and confused). I immediately thought of eating. (!!!) Like right now I would go to the supermarket, buy some cookies and stuff, and screw this 'I'm going to lose weight' thing. But I tried to resist to the temptation. I finished my work, and then I hopped on the indoor bicycle for a 40 minute exercise. Later I had lunch so I tought that then the hunger would go away. A couple hours later though the 'dark thoughts' came back. Especially when I saw the Nesquik Cocoa in the cupboard and immediately had a random thought to make pancakes.

I don't want to be so strict with my diet so that I can not keep up with it. I know myself, I've been there. Extremes are dangerous for me because I either starve myself or overeat so much junk I would be even embarressed to admit it. When I'm in a situation described above it is never about just one cookie. Or one chocholate bar. It's more, like one (or two) whole bag of something, and I probably drink soda instead of water.

So instead of giving in for the 'dark thoughts' I ate 4 peaches. I didn't want to starve myself and wait till dinner because I'm 100 percent sure that would end up real bad, like going to the supermarket after all.

I'm okay now. But I'm telling you, finding the balance is one hell of a big struggle.