Bittersweet - Deadlines versus Carpe Diem.

Today’s weigh in: 71.3kg / 156.8lbs (0.6kg / 1.3lbs loss)

I really don’t want to complain, because even if I can’t run right now, I’m still losing. The pessimism might be due to October’s progress when I was doing sports actively and losing fast week by week. Now, it’s a little hard to process this new ‘gear’ I’m in. Sport became my daily routine in the past months and now I feel how I much I miss it. And around August I had a little something in my mind. I know it is embarrassing but I admit it: I wanted to be below 70 kg (or 150lbs) by the New Moon premiere. (I haven’t seen it yet, though)

I have some ideas why I’m in such a blah mood, but apart from that sometimes I think about which would be the better: to set goals and deadlines or just doing things carpe diem, without any pressure. Well, since I’m an economist/business major I still prefer deadlines and goals in order to be effective. Failure can be tough, but also motivating. In my case right now I feel disappointed, but on the other hand without any major workouts I’m only 1.3kg (2.8pounds) away from that milestone. After what I’ve been through it should be a piece of cake, right?

The other thing which bothers me a lot (besides the lack of workouts) that I really put my anxiety on other people. I don’t think I’m rude but I’ve been definitely talking way too much about weight loss, which has never – ever – been my strong point. (I’m still surprised by myself!) I tend to bring up the topic way too many times, and how disappointed I’m with this and that etc. I could keep this in a secret for a long time and now since it’s out maybe this is my way to handle ‘embarrassment’. No idea, but I need to stop. Really. Seriously.

One other confession: due to ‘other’ things, and my blah mood I had a binge day. Not a crucial one, but enough that I’m sick to my stomach… and it doesn’t feel nice. :(

Quick update

I’m at the university library trying to start the work on my thesis and catch up on missed home works, translations which I should have finished a long time ago. My ankle is healing, slowly. It’s not that swollen any more, but it definitely hurts like hell by the end of the day. But the doctors said this should be (unfortunately) expected. I just wish this was over and I could run again.

In the meantime I try to stay on track with eating, I have less and less problems with it. I also realized that it’s the perfect time for upper body workouts (which I pretty much hate). Last week I read on Megan’s blog that she joined Angela’s ‘Whittle my Middle’ challenge. I’m not that good with challenges because my schedule and life just not designed for that, but I copied the idea and started to do 10 minute abdominal exercises 5 times a week. I took no pre-measurements but until I can’t do any decent workouts, it’s better than nothing. Unfortunately yesterday I had to cancel my step aerobics classes too at the university but I try to look on the bright side, the ankle situation could have been much worse, with much more hospital and doctor time.

Injury update

I’d love to thank you all for the lovely comments on my previous post. (: I spent this week mostly resting, icing and using all kind of miracle things which could make my ankle hear faster. I only went to the university on Wednesday, but at the end of the day my ankle was swollen again. Also, I kept getting comments why on earth hadn’t I gone to a doctor’s office. Yesterday I was so freaked out I gave in. Personally, I hate hospitals and I have a sick fear from doctors. But I started to think about what if something had been torn in my ankle, when could I run again, if there was any serious problem and all I’d been doing just making damage? I’d love to use my legs on a long term, especially since I can say I’ve been a pretty active athlete recently. So we went to the local hospital’s Traumatology. It was freaking scary, but after the x-ray it turned out that there’s no serious injury to worry about. No break, no tear, it’s a bad sprained ankle but it is going to be fine, indeed.

I think I needed to hear that from a doctor. But it’s been 9 days since my last run and I’m really missing it. My lifestyle became so active during the past 3 months that now I hardly can cope with ‘doing nothing’ in general.

Shopping and a sprained ankle

Weigh in: 73.2kg / 161 lbs. (0.3kg / 0.7pound loss)

Well, considering the fact that last weekend my eating was kinda out of control, and I didn’t run on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had a very bad week with a 3-day-long killing headache and I drank enormous amount of alcohol Thu night it’s pretty much okay. I checked my excel chart (the sheet can be downloaded at Shauna’s blog) and I’ve had decent losses for 4 weeks in a row so I’ll live. However, I really hoped that I could reach the 72s by this week. (without the alcohol I consumed I’m sure that would have happened)

On the other hand this week with my friend we were dedicated to go for a run on Wednesday, but damn that icy/rainy weather we had to cancel it.

I also decided that I’m in a serious need of shopping. It’s always a big debate in my head because I still want to lose bunch of kilos so I don’t plan on staying at this level where I am right now for long, but my baggy (yay!) clothes started to really bother me. So I went. But since I hate shopping I planned in my head which stores I would visit, what kind of clothes I would try on. And I forced myself in advance, no matter what happens I need to buy some items. These were my pre-shopping conditions. But to tell the truth it was hell! There were no pants like I had in my mind, it turned out that in every store I’m a different size. And what I had in my mind looked totally ridiculous on me. I’m almost cried at Promod, where something always fits for me, most of my clothes were purchased there. So I went back to basics, and I was like the first two things which would fit I would buy them immediately. Finally, I bought a darkish grey skinny(!!!) jeans and a purple shiny (!!!) top at Zara. I had no intention to buy such pants because I’m too shy to wear them. But so I went. I have a little tummy for it, but I just do not care. Seriously. I came to that point where I don’t care.

When I got home I had an other debate in my head, whether I should have wore it for the party or not. When I got dressed I realised that it may be a little too tight and I was even ashamed to step out to the corridor. My roommate kept laughing at me that I was a total freak. On the way to the party (first we went to a friend’s apartment to pick them up) I kept thinking about how every part of my body could be seen. So the night ended up in an enormous alcohol drinking event. We were so drunk I could hardly feel anything just the fun. The whole world was spinning at the party and I hardly have any clear memories. I didn’t feel how wasted I was but I think we were pretty much out of it.

And it happened. To tell the truth I hardly remember how I fell, or how big I fell but I fell bad on my right ankle when we were jumping on the dance floor I suppose. I felt a huge pain for 10 seconds and I couldn’t stand on my ankle for a minute or two but later it didn’t mean any problem. On the other hand, when I woke up the next morning with almost the worst hangover in my life I could literally scream. My ankle looked bad but I didn’t make a big deal about it. It hurt like hell but I was hurting so much everywhere too. But when I arrived home I collected all my courage and checked my ankle. It looked terrible (exactly like this, but I warn you it’s not nice)! All purple and swollen and I hardly could walk. :(

The party totally worth it. I mean I had such great time!!! But I’m also freaked out a little bit. Today would have been the very last training for my c25k.

I made this far and now I need to postpone finishing the program. I’ve already picked out my c210k program, would have started next week. Now, I’m stucked in front of the computer hurting and also fighting with a damn cold/fever. I have no idea when I can run again, it just doesn’t look good. :(

Good times, bad times

Last Tuesday we celebrated a day early a close friend’s birthday. We had tickets to the MUPA for a special movie screening, basically a modern jazz concert by the famous Hungarian vocalist, Veronika Harcsa. Before the concert we went to a restaurant to have dinner, and it was a great opportunity also, because our birthday friend brought her Portuguese boyfriend (whom I haven’t seen for almost 1,5 years), and he also brought a Portuguese friend so we had a lovely company. Unfortunately my tummy felt freaky so I only ordered an iced-coffee, but for my bad luck they put all the sugary cream and sugar without asking my opinion. I didn’t want to make a scene and make a deal about it, so I drank half of the glass. (I have some issues with my stomach and sugar.) Anyway, we went to a concert which first was hell but after the first 3 tracks turned out to be awesome. The music was so unbelievably beautiful and touching so when the show was over we were in a complete shock. It was only around 10 pm so we decided to go to the birthday girl’s apartment to chill and have a tea since it was freezing cold. We had so much fun there, started to share the common stories, watch the photos the guys made in Zagreb, etc. And then came a point where my tummy started to hurt again and I felt that very unpleasant pain all over. The whole ‘thing’ is getting better and better but still. Especially when you’re surrounded people and don’t want them to know. I cannot help myself so I lay down to the sofa. We were supposed to leave but I kept saying ‘a couple minutes’ when they realized there was something wrong. The birthday girl’s boyfriend is a doctor, so he started to ask questions. And randomly I started to talk. Which I never do about ‘this’ situation. Never, not even on this blog, not even with my closest friends. I still don’t know why or how it happened, despite the fact that it freaked me out that he did know the medical background of these things. So basically I didn’t have to say ‘that much’. Anyway, it was better to hear things in such informal atmosphere and from a different point of view. And I was so surprised to hear something, which I haven’t heard before, that ‘it’s okay’. I mean I always heard how bad and abnormal thing this is, but never, never that ‘it’s okay’. For a very long time this was the first time when I didn’t feel so bad and guilty. Maybe that’s the key.

On our way back home this whole conversation freaked me out a lot. I hardly got any sleep and I had an early morning class. Tuesday was great but by Wednesday I basically fell apart. The thing that someone I know knew (and by this I mean really knew) completely messed me up. Then it got worse. I felt not so great then, I mean physically too. It had probably something to do with 8-9 hours sleep in 3 days and the chaos in my head, and the test I was supposed to write that day. I kept doing so weird things all day, like walking out from two classes in the middle and such things. I just wanted to go home so I packed my stuffs and caught a bus back to my home city. But I even cried on a bus.

I’m still shocked why I was so emotional on that day. But it’s quite obvious. I also had that very first freaking out in the 11th week that this is a very long journey and I’m still very far from my goal. But I have to admit, it’s the longest I could control myself … like ever. And I didn’t run to food or the bathroom. I was so messed up but I didn’t even think about it. To tell the truth, no matter how hard that day was for me, but it might mean that even if it’s very slow, that I’m doing a huge progress. Crazy.

Weekend in the country side

I was waiting for the past two days because with my aunt we drove to the country side to visit my grandma’s cute cottage. The landscape is amazing, the fresh air and autumn leaves were supposed to colour our weekend. The weekend basically started with a C25k run. First it was very chilly and I thought I was unable to complete the training. Luckily after 5 minutes I was back on track, and finished quite good.

At my grandma we basically did nothing but reading under a blanket, drinking tea and Irish Mist, talking and sleeping. I wish the weather had been better so that it wouldn’t have been so freezing outside.

On the other thing, eating. My grandma is a wonderful cook and as soon as we arrived I saw nothing but home made cakes and cookies … everywhere. First I thought it had been a bad dream but it was reality. I have to confess that keeping myself away from all the deliciousness wasn’t hard. I only tasted one, a small bite and that was more than enough. I was rather bothered by that everyone noticed I lost weight. Probably it sounds weird but I haven’t made a big fuss about my goal to lose the weight, I only mentioned a hint to my mom when she asked and then we finished the conversation. Most of the times I feel ashamed that I’m doing a weight loss oriented diet and I work out on a regular basis. Can not explain why but I try to keep it in a secret as much as it is possible, so when it was dinner time I felt so uncomfortable when I had to tell my grandma and aunt that I would rather only eat cottage cheese and fruits. It was weird, uncomfortable and then they started to ask questions about my weight loss, progress etc.

I don’t want to sound like I am not proud of myself. Because I am. But I just wish I wouldn’t need to share these kind of things with people. I’m starting to feel comfortable with this issue on this blogosphere but it’s so weird when people notice the change and start to ask questions. But on the other hand the compliments I get were nice. But it’s still a long road to go.

False self-image

I’m starting to feel and notice of the benefits of healthy lifestyle, but still I’m a bit concerned about how slow this has been going. On the other hand I also start to feel a little bit more confident about myself, so this week I chose some pieces from my wardrobe which I haven’t worn for a while. I’m not saying those fit perfectly, but I enjoyed wearing them. No idea why, but I felt skinny - or at least skinnier. But this feeling lasted until I saw myself in the campus mirror.

To tell the truth this weight loss is hard for me because my weight has been fluctuating for 6 years, but this summer I reached my heaviest. (instead of stable 73kg I weighted almost 83kg) For a very long time I had no weight problems and when I started to gain notable amount of weight when I was 16 I didn’t care because I just didn’t believe that I could have gained that much. Every time I looked into the mirror I didn’t see the obvious, and I suppose many people are familiar with this. In my mind I have always been ‘skinny’ but the reality always hits when I step into a clothing store and try to find some decent pieces, but none of the fit. And here comes the mind game. I’ve been doing fine, eating healthy, working out for quite a time and I still have to be declared as a fat person.

I’m okay with that. But I wish I hadn’t had any weight loss, fat fighter past which I could always be compared to. However, I really don’t want to complain, because negative attitude never leads anywhere and I do enjoy wearing the pants which are getting loose. It looks funny, but feels amazing. (:

Weight loss reboot

I haven’t given up on the weight loss blogosphere but it has certainly been a while since I last updated.

The main reason of the absence was most likely something like Hadley mentioned in her blog a week ago. Boredom. I grew tired of constant proportion control and all the healthy food, workouts and such. According to my excel sheet I lost 12.3lbs in 8 weeks. Seems a bit slow, nevertheless, I won’t complain. Every week I stepped on the scale (except the first one) I lost weight. Even if it was just a tiny loss. Somehow ‘living healthy’ became a monotonous routine of my life and I just couldn’t see the goal anymore I set in the beginning. So if I wrote a week 7 review, it would involve rambling about bad food choices and feeling blue. For instance last weekend I did something I promised I would leave behind myself. I went to the supermarket and bought a bag of chips, cookies and a bag of pretzels. All the items are known to be high in fat, obviously junk food. I used to have daily trips like this one (the reason I became fat) to the supermarket but seriously I haven’t done it for 7 weeks. I felt a little remorse because I knew I should have been a bit more responsible but some dark thoughts kept whispering why on the earth not to have a real binge after all this time? On the other hand I didn’t feel bad because I had been a good girl for 7 weeks. Also, in the deep I somehow hoped that a binge could throw me back on track because I would realize how crazy that lifestyle and how I wanted to change. I also attended to a birthday party last weekend where I decided not to say no to alcohol (yay champagne and martini!) and the cake. All together my theory worked. Turned out that during the last 7 weeks my body got used to healthy meals and I had an awful tummy ache for 2 days.

I believe in trends and the problems of sustainable growth (in this case sustainable weight loss) is a hell of a struggle to maintain. I think last week my mood was also influenced by Friday’s ridiculous 0.6 pound loss, however I ate well and worked out 4 times that week. I also started to be less enthusiastic about everything and maybe sometimes a sugar free diet can throw you for a mind loop.

Anyway, a new month started and I seem to be doing fine. It’s just patience I have a serious problem with.

Food as lifebelt

I have this huge exam coming up this Friday. It basically contains 2 years of hardcore accounting studies and the exam is mandatory. Of course, school has started, already tons of presentations, team works, essays etc. Not to mention I had already taken an other stressful exam on 11th Sept and haven’t had the chance to recover yet.

On the other hand this summer I decided to live healthy. But knowing my past healthy lifestyle and food can’t exist together. I realized during my 6 years of binging that I either ate because I was under so much stress (mostly school deadlines, exams) or I had already gained so much weight that I became depressed. Anyway, I think I can say that the past 6 weeks I was binge-free, yesterday this fact changed a little.

I tried to study for that exam I mentioned but I had so much other things to do, that I just constantly felt freaked out, stressed and somehow angry too. Yesterday evening I couldn’t handle it anymore and it happened. Like an instinct. After all I say it could have been worse, but definitely something I want to leave behind. I’d really love to wake up one day and say, when stress hits me I don’t end up running towards food.

The Pants

I read this week some wonderful stories about the benefits of weight loss: smaller sizes, loose pants etc. You know what have happened to me recently? One of my favorite pants teared. Totally. I was coming home last Sunday and when I was changing clothes I realised a huge open tear on the back of my pants. It could have been embarassing too, no idea if anyone noticed because my shirt might have covered the tear. Hopefully. I think this may nothing to do with my weight because the cloth material was so special and slim, and I did bought that pants 5 years ago but I'm sure it teared because I wore it occassionally when I was much bigger. I really liked that pants.

Same day I decided that I would wear my black elegant pants since my favorite just gave up on me. And then what happened? The slide fastener broke. I couldn't wear my second favorite either.

I have to tell, now I officially lost 11.6 lbs, I'm supposed to feel good about my pants and now they are keep giving up on me. Why? The sad thing I have so many clothes, at least 15-20 pants I can't wear because they don't fit. I had only 3-4 pants I could wear and now I can throw out two. I have one very nice and elegant but it's still a bit tight that's why I never feel comfortable in it because I know how strange my belly and hips look whenever I choose to wear that.

You know I used to be slim and when I started to gain weight about six years ago I refused to accept that I was gaining weight. Ever since I've tried not to buy so many clothing items because first, I refused to buy anything bigger sized considering my past, second, I always thought gaining weight was just temporary and later I wouldn't need the bigger clothes anyway, so the whole thing would be a waste of money. Obviously, I wouldn't think that this situation would go for six years and during these years I hardly bought any pants. Pathetic, I know. And right now, at this moment, when I would be screaming that finally they fit, they just gave up on me.

The thing is now that I'm losing weight I refuse to buy anything because I'm 100 percent sure that this time I can make it to the goal. I'd love to lose another 25lbs which is a remarkably big difference in clothing sizes. But I have this ridiculous fear if I buy something comfortable it would slow things down. I'm not a masochist but the way I dress now and the way I wear my clothes is a huge motivator.

And I don't think I've mentioned I started this weight loss thing when none of my pants fitted.

Moving forward ... but standing still.

Yesterday I sneak peeked on the scale: 78.6kg / 172.9lbs. I must be doing okay because ever since I've been tracking my food, workout and weight I'm losing every week. But I also checked my excel spreadsheet (I'm using the one which was up on Shauna's website) and I realised this:

week 1: +1.1

week 2: -6.16

week 3: -1.76

week 4: -0.44

week 5: -2.2

total loss: 9.46

The thing is that I have this bittersweet feeling. Happy for the loss but I'm starting to losing the motivation, especially towards the workout thing. However, I know this is only because I had an incredibly rough and tiring week and I haven't had a workout since Tuesday. Still, everything just seems so slow. And everything seems so far away. I honestly accepted that this losing weight getting healthy thing would be for a long term and would last months, to get rid of the extra weight which took me years to pack on, it's just some natural impatiance I guess. Until last week I was at home, no work just studying for the big exam. I had plenty of time to work out and plan those work outs. Now, with school starting, having an insane schedule, social life, presentations already, not to mention I have an other similarly huge exam ahead of me (Oct 2) I just don't find the strenght to keep the enthusiasm towards my workouts.

I'm not considering giving up, I just wish my life wouldn't be about constant deadlines right now. But I don't want to stand still while I could move forward. Balance? Maybe a new kind of workout ... maybe I stop whining about why I can't run and start doing it.

September

Say hi to the seventies:
weight: 79.8kg / 175.5lbs

I haven’t really taken the time to figure out my expectations for September but better late than never. It is going to be a busy month, I’m in a middle of studying for a crucial exam on 11th. University officially starts on the 14th, I move back to the city on the 12th. (new place, but I’m not enthusiastic) Besides my regular classes to attend, I have to face an other exam (the second hardest, ever) somewhere around end of September, no exact date yet. Hardcore academics.

I have no idea which is my biggest fear for this month, probably that I have to figure out the exercise thing. Now that I’m home it was easy with the indoor activities in my own privacy but living in an university dorm that’s totally different. Good thing it is located by the river, great place to go out for a powerwalk. I need the challenge, I need speed, so maybe even running. Gym would be an obvious solution but my self-confidence is extremely low for that right now. Too many mirrors. However, I signed up for a step-aerobics class for Tuesday morning at the university. Baby steps.
I shouldn’t be freaking out about the workouts though but the thing is I’m starting to trust myself with eating. It’s balanced but somehow, as much as I can remember in my case exercise was always the key point. So the goals for this month:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm
- Start the run 5k program
- regular yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week

Day 17 - The first (almost) break

I don't know what was going on with me but I felt so blue all day. I was cranky and gloomy, I didn't want to do anything just be. I tried to find out what could have been behind these emotions.

First, I have a very important complex exam on 11th Sept which I'm pretty much stressed about. It is no joke, five subjects, hardcore mathematics and statistics. I've been studying for quite a while but I think it's absolutely impossible to prepare for it. The other thing I've been doing okay with eating, which means low carb, no sugar. And maybe I miss sugar because I think it may be true that sugar can cheer you up. (however, I used to eat sugar and felt depressed after so I don't know).

So I was so blah, I went with my mom for a long grocery shopping trip and when we arrived home I was so in a mood to eat. I wanted so badly to binge. But it wasn't really because I was hungry, it was maybe something I used to do as a habit and I felt the need to do it. I don't know. I know, too much I don't knows in this post. (:

Anyway there was a point, when I didn't care. But even if it is only 17 days and I'm in a middle of breaking a bad habit I went instead for a long power walk. And it felt great. I could clear my mind and it made me remember what I want to leave behind myself. To be able to control such situations in the long term. I know if I gave in eating wouldn't have cheered me up either. So at least I didn't waste another healthy eating day, and I also added a non planned workout.

Workout disaster

Yesterday I decided I would do something new today on the workout field. I have a DVD which I like very much, basically a 40 minute exercise split in two 20 minute pieces. I usually do the second part which is choreographed on the ground, concentrates on the thigh, butt, abs area. It is freaking hard and painful but I know the routine very well.

The first part on the other hand is more active kind, full body workout, emphasis is on the lower body. Basically a circuit training with squats and lunges etc.

So I was fully prepared, and when it comes to workout I never give up easily but this time I had to. I only made the first 6 minutes when I had to admit this was not going to work. I felt unsteady, it hurt, it wasn't just right. Though I am not sure, maybe if the choreography hadn't been so fast I would have safely done the lunges. Maybe.

I gave up mostly because I got scared. This is the second time in my life when I am over 80 kilos but last time I weigh this much I wasn't doing any exercise. (I did a special diet to go back to 76kg) So I'm worried what this kind of exercise could do to my knees. When I'm doing my power walking I have an urge to run, like I used to but I'm not sure it's a safe way right now if I'm seeing the big picture on long term. That's the main reason I choose my workout sessions to keep the pressure from my knees.

Maybe I'm overprotective but I don't know. I would rather avoid an injury or a bad move which may end up real bad. But this boundary thing pisses me off very much. Being fat sucks.

I cannot wait not to measure this factor so I can run again!

Weigh in

Weight: 80.6kg / 177.7lbs

I have been having some controversy with the scale but yesterday I bought the needed batteries so no more 'technical diffculties'. But have to admit as much as I happy for the weight loss (I worked for hard!) I was a bit disappointed when I saw the number. It is just I had been steady 73-75kg for years and last week the scale once even showed 83.9kg. Frightening for me. I've been feeling fine and I'm proud of myself that I made the decision to change my life and attitude but I just wish I wasn't self pitying myself all the summer so I wouldn't have gained the last 6-7 kg which now I have to get rid of. The whole thing would be much easier if I've done things differently. It hurts to realise how much I hurt myself with maintaining a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Last time I lost all the weight I started from 73kg and every new number gave me the courage to keep on doing what I was doing because the numbers were 'new', if you know what I mean. I think this is the main reason I feel some kind of disappointment and sadness. I know the 'method', I know what to expect. But I have to stop compare everything to that time. But the circumtances are so familiar, you really have no idea how much. I try to work on this issue in my mind.

The batteries hate Thursdays

(originally posted 08/20/09)

Yesterday evening when I was walking home I was thinking whether I should document my 1st week official weigh-in or not. It's mostly because I set up this blog a week ago but the first couple of days (basically until Sunday) were like the same. I did eat a lot, junk mostly and I made no attempt to even take a walk or some exercise. I didn't write anything to my food journal either. Conclusion: I must have gained some during those 4 days.

So I was thinking, since Monday I've been doing fine. I made better (emphasis on better) food choices, kept the food journal, drank water instead of some sugary crap and I did exercise. Also made my life more active, like I added some evening walks. Honestly, I feel how working out is hard for me right now. I used to be sporty so I know what I was capable of, and now the same thing is really hard. But I'm doing it, that's the point.

I just didn't want to disappoint myself in the begining, however, I did peek on the scale yesterday during the day and it said 83.9. I know it wasn't official, I just hope, even if I haven't lost any weight yet but I don't want to weigh more that I did last week.

Today morning I decided I would weigh myself, even capture a photo. I was about to turn on the camera when I realised the batteries were dead. Okay, no problem. Then I went to the scale which was stubborn enough again, just like last week. It kept showing the Low sign, and since it's a national holiday here no chance to change the special batteries today. I gave up. I just hope that my 'relationship' with the scale improves in the future because we are definitely not the best friends right now.

Bad news equal eating?

(originally posted 19/08/09)

My main problem (and I think this is the main reason I have this major problem) is that I am an 'overeater'. An emotional overeater.

Like today I started okay, in good mood, excited for starting another healthy day without any 'dark thoughts' (like I choose bad food and skip exercise because I'm lazy). Then midday I received some bad news (more of something which made me mad and confused). I immediately thought of eating. (!!!) Like right now I would go to the supermarket, buy some cookies and stuff, and screw this 'I'm going to lose weight' thing. But I tried to resist to the temptation. I finished my work, and then I hopped on the indoor bicycle for a 40 minute exercise. Later I had lunch so I tought that then the hunger would go away. A couple hours later though the 'dark thoughts' came back. Especially when I saw the Nesquik Cocoa in the cupboard and immediately had a random thought to make pancakes.

I don't want to be so strict with my diet so that I can not keep up with it. I know myself, I've been there. Extremes are dangerous for me because I either starve myself or overeat so much junk I would be even embarressed to admit it. When I'm in a situation described above it is never about just one cookie. Or one chocholate bar. It's more, like one (or two) whole bag of something, and I probably drink soda instead of water.

So instead of giving in for the 'dark thoughts' I ate 4 peaches. I didn't want to starve myself and wait till dinner because I'm 100 percent sure that would end up real bad, like going to the supermarket after all.

I'm okay now. But I'm telling you, finding the balance is one hell of a big struggle.

The scale

(originally posted 13/08/09)

I needed to know my 'starting weight' so today morning I collected all my courage and stepped on the scale. Funny thing happened first. The batteries were low so I spent 5 minutes figuring out how I could weigh myself. When I turned it on it was okay but as soon as I tried to measure my weight the numbers started to increase and close to the 'final number' it said 'low batteries'. I almost gave up. But somehow I figured out how I could trick the scale and it worked. The scale showed 82.9kg / 182.7lbs.

I have to confess it made me sad because somehow I believed I would have been closer to 80 instead of closer to 85. It is almost the highest weight I could remember, also considering the fact that I was 72kg this January. Kind of scary and disappointing. But I know the saying 'you don't gain it overnight nor can you likewise lose it'. It's just the fact that last time I put a real effort in losing the weight I was much lighter and it did seem an adventure. Now first I have to get rid of 10kg (which I have experience how much work). And to tell the truth even 10kg sound scary to me. That's so much. I know these are all on me, I can only blame myself. I think I just have to accept that this situation I am in right now not the same I was in two years ago. So I have to handle it accordingly.

The background story

(originally posted 12/08/09)

Hi. I'm a 23 year old girl living in Europe. I have a weight problem. I have issues with eating too. This has been going on for about 6 years so here came the point where I say that's enough and I'm going to fight this 'thing'.

As I can recall it all started when I was 16 years old. My highschool girlfriends had some weight issues and I kinda got dragged into it. I only carried around 3-4kg extra on myself but this dieting, exercising madness became something bigger than me. I didn't realise at the time that my 'problem' was very different from what my friends had. (basically I had no problem) Then I lost weight, I did exercise, but I built a very strange relationship with food. I kept on going this lifestyle for a year when the habit of no-eating days and the over-eating days completely collapsed. I started to gain weight, from 53kg I went up to 60kg in a couple of months. I gave up exercising, I chose eating huge amount of junk food and cookies. My personality had changed, I became very introverted, I also skipped a year before I went to university. I stopped weighing myself, I pretended like everything was normal (but it wasn't) when I can not really remember when, but I realised I was 83 kg. Then university started and I found myself steady 73-74kg for like two years.

Of course every day I thought of dieting and losing weight. I was always obsessed with it. I had attempts, but the expectations I set for myself were so high that I was unable to meet them, usually gave up in a couple of days. Then 2 years ago I started dieting and exercising, trying to do it without the pressure which had failed me so many times in the past. I built a system and I was able to maintain it for 3-4 months. 67kg, and I was perfectly satisfied with it. But then I again. I stopped the system and gained the weight back. My weight though became steady. Altough this year was so hard at the university I started gaining again and sadly I'm over 80kg now.

But I can't bear it anymore. As I have experience how it is to be with a healthy body image now I have this miserable cloud over my head. It gives me such disadvantages. I hate them. The main problem is I am a perfect example for 'living is easy with eyes closed' and I hardly paid any attention to the actions I took as regards my health in the past.

So I've decided to start this blog and I'll do my best.