‘Easy way out’(?)

I had a little too much time for research and here’s a topic which has been going on my mind for a while.

This Wednesday I went to a live concert with my closest friends, one of them is doing a special program to lose weight and we talked about her and my experiences a little. She’s doing a 3 week acupuncture treatment (3 times a week) followed by a 600cal daily diet. She’s already lost 6kg (13.2lbs) in 2 weeks, and she’s planning to do another 3 week to fully lose the weight. When the treatment is over she has to maintain an introduction diet, first about 1000-1200cal per day and slowly increase the intake level. When she asked about ‘my method’ I only said that I’m doing the natural way. Eat healthy and exercise. When I asked her about this treatment, her words ‘I chose the easy way out’.

So what do you say, is there an easy way out? Do such things exist?

I mean I remember back in August. I was almost at the highest weight of all time and it seemed so impossible to reach not the thin, but even the decent overweight zone. I struggled a lot (I still do) with patience and being realistic. Everything was so far away and my tiny efforts to lose the weight often made me think about that my situation was so hopeless that there was no point in trying. I tried special diets in my life, the zero cal diet which failed me every time after a couple of days (shocker!), I did twice the 90 days diet but I gave up them, too. Typical Yo-yo dieting. This summer I thought about diet pills too and a liquid diet but I never had the courage. I did tons of drastic things in my life for weight loss and I refuse to make the same mistakes.

I mean (and don’t get me wrong, this is my opinion and I honestly cheer for my friend to succeed) most overweight people have eating problems. I don’t deny, I did (do?) have a serious eating disorder. When I decided to lose weight it was mostly because I was so fed up with my crazy habit, that I wanted to get rid of it and for me losing weight was just a bonus. You can now figure out how deep I was in that eating disorder mess.

And if someone ever enters to such vicious circle I don’t think there are such things as a magic wand … for a long term. You can heal fast but what comes easy, goes away easy. However, I’m not saying that a treatment like I’ve mentioned is that easy. It’s a treatment after all. 600cal daily intake for 3 weeks. You need the courage, you need to decide to hang onto it. And you need to follow the strict rules. It’s absolutely not ‘that’ easy. It’s a different point of view maybe.

Even though I complain a lot about how hard and how slow this process I hardly mention how much it becomes easier day by day. Working out became the natural routine of my day, so did healthy food choices, or that I don’t eat after 7pm. Whenever I’m standing before a wending machine it never pops in my mind that I should choose a sugary soda instead of mineral water. Little things. It causes less and less problems when I’m around people that I follow my unique routine and I’ve learnt to say no and say yes to small portions. I’m starting to believe that I’m getting out of a very deep hole which took 6 years of my life but I’m still careful with such statements. I still have weak points and days, but who doesn’t?

So in my opinion if everybody ever has the desire to leave the weight mess behind for long term needs to go through the change of lifestyle. It’s hard, time consuming and sometimes very messy, followed by mistakes. But in this process there’s time to learn from these mistakes and experience. And slowly, slowly everything gets better. Working out tests your stamina, and I love the concept of achievement. It forms the body, keeps someone active and healthy.

I’m not saying I’m a masochist. Because if a fairy said to me that tomorrow I could be skinny, I would take the deal immediately. But in my case there were serious issues behind the fact that I’m overweight and it seems that I’m on my way to fix them. Being healthy (mentally/physically) is an extremely important thing.

Good times, bad times

Last Tuesday we celebrated a day early a close friend’s birthday. We had tickets to the MUPA for a special movie screening, basically a modern jazz concert by the famous Hungarian vocalist, Veronika Harcsa. Before the concert we went to a restaurant to have dinner, and it was a great opportunity also, because our birthday friend brought her Portuguese boyfriend (whom I haven’t seen for almost 1,5 years), and he also brought a Portuguese friend so we had a lovely company. Unfortunately my tummy felt freaky so I only ordered an iced-coffee, but for my bad luck they put all the sugary cream and sugar without asking my opinion. I didn’t want to make a scene and make a deal about it, so I drank half of the glass. (I have some issues with my stomach and sugar.) Anyway, we went to a concert which first was hell but after the first 3 tracks turned out to be awesome. The music was so unbelievably beautiful and touching so when the show was over we were in a complete shock. It was only around 10 pm so we decided to go to the birthday girl’s apartment to chill and have a tea since it was freezing cold. We had so much fun there, started to share the common stories, watch the photos the guys made in Zagreb, etc. And then came a point where my tummy started to hurt again and I felt that very unpleasant pain all over. The whole ‘thing’ is getting better and better but still. Especially when you’re surrounded people and don’t want them to know. I cannot help myself so I lay down to the sofa. We were supposed to leave but I kept saying ‘a couple minutes’ when they realized there was something wrong. The birthday girl’s boyfriend is a doctor, so he started to ask questions. And randomly I started to talk. Which I never do about ‘this’ situation. Never, not even on this blog, not even with my closest friends. I still don’t know why or how it happened, despite the fact that it freaked me out that he did know the medical background of these things. So basically I didn’t have to say ‘that much’. Anyway, it was better to hear things in such informal atmosphere and from a different point of view. And I was so surprised to hear something, which I haven’t heard before, that ‘it’s okay’. I mean I always heard how bad and abnormal thing this is, but never, never that ‘it’s okay’. For a very long time this was the first time when I didn’t feel so bad and guilty. Maybe that’s the key.

On our way back home this whole conversation freaked me out a lot. I hardly got any sleep and I had an early morning class. Tuesday was great but by Wednesday I basically fell apart. The thing that someone I know knew (and by this I mean really knew) completely messed me up. Then it got worse. I felt not so great then, I mean physically too. It had probably something to do with 8-9 hours sleep in 3 days and the chaos in my head, and the test I was supposed to write that day. I kept doing so weird things all day, like walking out from two classes in the middle and such things. I just wanted to go home so I packed my stuffs and caught a bus back to my home city. But I even cried on a bus.

I’m still shocked why I was so emotional on that day. But it’s quite obvious. I also had that very first freaking out in the 11th week that this is a very long journey and I’m still very far from my goal. But I have to admit, it’s the longest I could control myself … like ever. And I didn’t run to food or the bathroom. I was so messed up but I didn’t even think about it. To tell the truth, no matter how hard that day was for me, but it might mean that even if it’s very slow, that I’m doing a huge progress. Crazy.

The background story

(originally posted 12/08/09)

Hi. I'm a 23 year old girl living in Europe. I have a weight problem. I have issues with eating too. This has been going on for about 6 years so here came the point where I say that's enough and I'm going to fight this 'thing'.

As I can recall it all started when I was 16 years old. My highschool girlfriends had some weight issues and I kinda got dragged into it. I only carried around 3-4kg extra on myself but this dieting, exercising madness became something bigger than me. I didn't realise at the time that my 'problem' was very different from what my friends had. (basically I had no problem) Then I lost weight, I did exercise, but I built a very strange relationship with food. I kept on going this lifestyle for a year when the habit of no-eating days and the over-eating days completely collapsed. I started to gain weight, from 53kg I went up to 60kg in a couple of months. I gave up exercising, I chose eating huge amount of junk food and cookies. My personality had changed, I became very introverted, I also skipped a year before I went to university. I stopped weighing myself, I pretended like everything was normal (but it wasn't) when I can not really remember when, but I realised I was 83 kg. Then university started and I found myself steady 73-74kg for like two years.

Of course every day I thought of dieting and losing weight. I was always obsessed with it. I had attempts, but the expectations I set for myself were so high that I was unable to meet them, usually gave up in a couple of days. Then 2 years ago I started dieting and exercising, trying to do it without the pressure which had failed me so many times in the past. I built a system and I was able to maintain it for 3-4 months. 67kg, and I was perfectly satisfied with it. But then I again. I stopped the system and gained the weight back. My weight though became steady. Altough this year was so hard at the university I started gaining again and sadly I'm over 80kg now.

But I can't bear it anymore. As I have experience how it is to be with a healthy body image now I have this miserable cloud over my head. It gives me such disadvantages. I hate them. The main problem is I am a perfect example for 'living is easy with eyes closed' and I hardly paid any attention to the actions I took as regards my health in the past.

So I've decided to start this blog and I'll do my best.