Hiatus Update

Dear Fellow Bloggers,

I haven't given up on weight loss, it's just life and a hard core exam period with unbelievable exams. I'm still keeping my eye on the goal, however, December and January have been all about weight maintaining so far. But, proud to be to announce that today I finally reached a milestone!

68.1kg / 149.8lbs

I really hope you guys are doing okay, posting again starts hopefully next week.

Cheers!

Bittersweet - Deadlines versus Carpe Diem.

Today’s weigh in: 71.3kg / 156.8lbs (0.6kg / 1.3lbs loss)

I really don’t want to complain, because even if I can’t run right now, I’m still losing. The pessimism might be due to October’s progress when I was doing sports actively and losing fast week by week. Now, it’s a little hard to process this new ‘gear’ I’m in. Sport became my daily routine in the past months and now I feel how I much I miss it. And around August I had a little something in my mind. I know it is embarrassing but I admit it: I wanted to be below 70 kg (or 150lbs) by the New Moon premiere. (I haven’t seen it yet, though)

I have some ideas why I’m in such a blah mood, but apart from that sometimes I think about which would be the better: to set goals and deadlines or just doing things carpe diem, without any pressure. Well, since I’m an economist/business major I still prefer deadlines and goals in order to be effective. Failure can be tough, but also motivating. In my case right now I feel disappointed, but on the other hand without any major workouts I’m only 1.3kg (2.8pounds) away from that milestone. After what I’ve been through it should be a piece of cake, right?

The other thing which bothers me a lot (besides the lack of workouts) that I really put my anxiety on other people. I don’t think I’m rude but I’ve been definitely talking way too much about weight loss, which has never – ever – been my strong point. (I’m still surprised by myself!) I tend to bring up the topic way too many times, and how disappointed I’m with this and that etc. I could keep this in a secret for a long time and now since it’s out maybe this is my way to handle ‘embarrassment’. No idea, but I need to stop. Really. Seriously.

One other confession: due to ‘other’ things, and my blah mood I had a binge day. Not a crucial one, but enough that I’m sick to my stomach… and it doesn’t feel nice. :(

BMI

Let me show you guys something.

Today’s weigh-in: 71.9kg / 158.1lbs.

Good news because I managed to lose (I say maintain) a tiny compared to this Monday without any sport activity and constant bed rest.

But, what I am really saying is, that I've just checked my BMI here.

The categories:

24.9! Which means that I’m exactly at the margin of ‘Normal weight’!!! Believe me, I’m still a fattie (unfortunately I have a very small frame size but I’m tall, so probably this you could call cheating) but my starting BMI was 28.7. Way to go!

Injured, but…

So the weekend was hell. My ankle became unrecognizable, swollen and purple, I freaked out. However, it’s getting better and better but mostly due to doing nothing but resting. Seriously want my opinion? It sucks. So much. I wanted to go for a run this weekend to time my 5k but now I don’t know when it’s gonna happen. And the worst part is that my fear concentrated on that this way I’m gonna gain weight which I don’t want to. But, on the other hand I try to look at the bright side. It’s only a bruise, already healing. Much worse thing could have happened but it didn’t. After 3 months of intensive sport activity I guess a week of rest can mean no harm.

I had my WI on Saturday morning when I was still pretty much hangover. I spent the weekend analysing what exactly was the reason why I had such a minor loss? Anyway, my fear of gain I stepped on the scale today morning, just to check how my weekend went after all:

72.1kg / 158.6lbs (!!!)

I could hardly believe what I saw. I’m guessing the Sat WI was kinda false because of Thu night/Fri morning. This also means that I reached a metric system mile stone by losing 10.8kg (23.8lbs) after all. (and of course getting under the 160 mark) Not to mention, while I’m updating now I’m wearing a pair of goal jeans! Yay!

Shopping and a sprained ankle

Weigh in: 73.2kg / 161 lbs. (0.3kg / 0.7pound loss)

Well, considering the fact that last weekend my eating was kinda out of control, and I didn’t run on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, I had a very bad week with a 3-day-long killing headache and I drank enormous amount of alcohol Thu night it’s pretty much okay. I checked my excel chart (the sheet can be downloaded at Shauna’s blog) and I’ve had decent losses for 4 weeks in a row so I’ll live. However, I really hoped that I could reach the 72s by this week. (without the alcohol I consumed I’m sure that would have happened)

On the other hand this week with my friend we were dedicated to go for a run on Wednesday, but damn that icy/rainy weather we had to cancel it.

I also decided that I’m in a serious need of shopping. It’s always a big debate in my head because I still want to lose bunch of kilos so I don’t plan on staying at this level where I am right now for long, but my baggy (yay!) clothes started to really bother me. So I went. But since I hate shopping I planned in my head which stores I would visit, what kind of clothes I would try on. And I forced myself in advance, no matter what happens I need to buy some items. These were my pre-shopping conditions. But to tell the truth it was hell! There were no pants like I had in my mind, it turned out that in every store I’m a different size. And what I had in my mind looked totally ridiculous on me. I’m almost cried at Promod, where something always fits for me, most of my clothes were purchased there. So I went back to basics, and I was like the first two things which would fit I would buy them immediately. Finally, I bought a darkish grey skinny(!!!) jeans and a purple shiny (!!!) top at Zara. I had no intention to buy such pants because I’m too shy to wear them. But so I went. I have a little tummy for it, but I just do not care. Seriously. I came to that point where I don’t care.

When I got home I had an other debate in my head, whether I should have wore it for the party or not. When I got dressed I realised that it may be a little too tight and I was even ashamed to step out to the corridor. My roommate kept laughing at me that I was a total freak. On the way to the party (first we went to a friend’s apartment to pick them up) I kept thinking about how every part of my body could be seen. So the night ended up in an enormous alcohol drinking event. We were so drunk I could hardly feel anything just the fun. The whole world was spinning at the party and I hardly have any clear memories. I didn’t feel how wasted I was but I think we were pretty much out of it.

And it happened. To tell the truth I hardly remember how I fell, or how big I fell but I fell bad on my right ankle when we were jumping on the dance floor I suppose. I felt a huge pain for 10 seconds and I couldn’t stand on my ankle for a minute or two but later it didn’t mean any problem. On the other hand, when I woke up the next morning with almost the worst hangover in my life I could literally scream. My ankle looked bad but I didn’t make a big deal about it. It hurt like hell but I was hurting so much everywhere too. But when I arrived home I collected all my courage and checked my ankle. It looked terrible (exactly like this, but I warn you it’s not nice)! All purple and swollen and I hardly could walk. :(

The party totally worth it. I mean I had such great time!!! But I’m also freaked out a little bit. Today would have been the very last training for my c25k.

I made this far and now I need to postpone finishing the program. I’ve already picked out my c210k program, would have started next week. Now, I’m stucked in front of the computer hurting and also fighting with a damn cold/fever. I have no idea when I can run again, it just doesn’t look good. :(

Scale, numbers, November

The past two weeks I had some major results I just haven’t had the time to write about them yet. First, last week I managed to reach the ‘under 75kg’ mark, which means that I’m finally in a zone when the numbers at least a bit friendlier. On the other hand the last 3-day-weekend was spent in a famous Hungarian city and to tell the truth I didn’t care about eating well that much during that weekend. I have the weigh-ins usually on Saturday, but due to that past weekend I stepped on the scale on Tuesday, just for a quick check-in. It showed a sad number: 75.5 (166.4). I was totally prepared for the typical dieter catch 22. You lose and you just think that you could eat. I mentally tried to train myself accepting the first gain, I managed to agree with myself anything which starts with 74.something would be good. Then for my biggest surprise I finally reached the 73s! I have absolutely no idea how, but I’ll take it.

While I was tracking my food and workouts I realised, damn this week was the number 12. Technically that means 3 months, but basically I’ve been doing this whole complex thing for 76 days. Crazy to think of it as it is. I had no idea if I could make even the one week and look at this now:

Since 17th August 2009 I officially lost 11.34% of my starting weight, my BMI dropped from 28.7 to 25.4. I completed 55.62% of my total goal, I’m 9.4kg (20.7lbs) lighter than I was 2.5 months ago. I’m happy and energetic … I do things instead of not doing.

So what’s next?

It’s November. A new month with new objectives. When I set my goals back in September I aimed my birthday, December 6. Now I see things a little different.

Honestly, losing 7.5kg (16.7lbs) in 36 days is a bit unreasonable. Possible, if I try some ‘magic’, but I made a promise to myself that I won’t do anything drastic. I have exactly 5 weeks till then so I try to get to the zone of 68something kilos, or say the least get under the 150lbs mark. That absolutely could work out, and this way the deadline for the 145 can be New Year’s. In this I calculated Christmas and a freaky exam period.

But how I’m going to achieve this is another matter. I run, despite the fact that it’s starting to be freezing cold outside. I have only 1 week left from my c25k program, so I think I continue with the 10k program. (any training schedule suggestions?). Now it seems I also have a running buddy so keeping each other motivated can result in something great! However, there’s no problem with running, but I do have a problem with workouts. I just find them boring as hell, but I’m in a serious need of upper body workouts. I’ll try my best to do them at least 2times a week.

I’m still tracking my food and I think I’m doing fine. Yesterday was though a bit out of control, but in general I’m surprised how much willpower and control I have, so I won’t make a fuss about a weird day. But as for November I’d like to spend some time in the kitchen, try out new things. I’m a terrible cook since there’s only a few things I can prepare, so as a resolution I try to do something about this.

Until then, my mini goal is get under 70kilos. And not to give up because of the weather. 2 years ago I got lost somewhere around here…

The scale

Today’s weight: 75.3 kg / 165.6 lbs. That’s a 1.3 kg / 2.6 lbs loss for this week!!! (:

The stats: I officially lost 9.17 % of my starting weight, which means 7.6 kg / 16.7 lbs in 10 weeks. 45 % of my goal is achieved.

By next week I’m hoping to fulfill my minigoal to get under the 75 kg mark. And now, since I had breakfast (a half bagel with jam and a half bowl of red grapes) I’m off to go for a run (however it’s 43 degrees outside) before I leave for the countryside this weekend.

October

Weight: 76.5kg / 168.3lbs (Can’t believe I reached the sixties especially since I eat so bad the past week!)

I know it’s already mid October but my early month lack of enthusiasm postponed this monthly entry. When September started I wrote about the goals, expectations and now I’m trying to do the same and review the past month. The list:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm (there were only 3-4 exceptions)
- Start the run 5k program
- Try out yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week (though I worked out mostly 3 times a week, but those were very active and effective workout sessions, so I consider it a success)

All in all September went well, I passed that crucial exam I was so afraid of, I moved to a new place which turned out to be amazing, my last year of university is also going pretty well. Tons of schoolwork but I manage to find the balance. I’m also living a very active social life right now, there was a week when I went out 4 nights. However, I feel very insecure around people. Not because I care about their opinion me being fat (I do care a little), but the simple fact that I’m not feeling comfortable in my own skin. It can be so annoying to witness what my life would be if I wasn’t this heavy. And I say this because in my friend circle basically I’m the only one who is obese.

As for October I have bigger plans. I mean September seemed like a test month for me, whether I can keep up with myself while I need to attend classes and be back to Budapest. It worked, I just need to boost things up a little. I calculated a little with the numbers and in order to get close to my goal by my birthday I need 1.8-2 pound weekly losses. On 5th November I’m also invited to a huge party, so my short term goal is to get close to the 160lbs mark. In addition:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- blog regularly
- finish 5k program
- increase weekly workout sessions
- give yoga another try

Moving forward ... but standing still.

Yesterday I sneak peeked on the scale: 78.6kg / 172.9lbs. I must be doing okay because ever since I've been tracking my food, workout and weight I'm losing every week. But I also checked my excel spreadsheet (I'm using the one which was up on Shauna's website) and I realised this:

week 1: +1.1

week 2: -6.16

week 3: -1.76

week 4: -0.44

week 5: -2.2

total loss: 9.46

The thing is that I have this bittersweet feeling. Happy for the loss but I'm starting to losing the motivation, especially towards the workout thing. However, I know this is only because I had an incredibly rough and tiring week and I haven't had a workout since Tuesday. Still, everything just seems so slow. And everything seems so far away. I honestly accepted that this losing weight getting healthy thing would be for a long term and would last months, to get rid of the extra weight which took me years to pack on, it's just some natural impatiance I guess. Until last week I was at home, no work just studying for the big exam. I had plenty of time to work out and plan those work outs. Now, with school starting, having an insane schedule, social life, presentations already, not to mention I have an other similarly huge exam ahead of me (Oct 2) I just don't find the strenght to keep the enthusiasm towards my workouts.

I'm not considering giving up, I just wish my life wouldn't be about constant deadlines right now. But I don't want to stand still while I could move forward. Balance? Maybe a new kind of workout ... maybe I stop whining about why I can't run and start doing it.

September

Say hi to the seventies:
weight: 79.8kg / 175.5lbs

I haven’t really taken the time to figure out my expectations for September but better late than never. It is going to be a busy month, I’m in a middle of studying for a crucial exam on 11th. University officially starts on the 14th, I move back to the city on the 12th. (new place, but I’m not enthusiastic) Besides my regular classes to attend, I have to face an other exam (the second hardest, ever) somewhere around end of September, no exact date yet. Hardcore academics.

I have no idea which is my biggest fear for this month, probably that I have to figure out the exercise thing. Now that I’m home it was easy with the indoor activities in my own privacy but living in an university dorm that’s totally different. Good thing it is located by the river, great place to go out for a powerwalk. I need the challenge, I need speed, so maybe even running. Gym would be an obvious solution but my self-confidence is extremely low for that right now. Too many mirrors. However, I signed up for a step-aerobics class for Tuesday morning at the university. Baby steps.
I shouldn’t be freaking out about the workouts though but the thing is I’m starting to trust myself with eating. It’s balanced but somehow, as much as I can remember in my case exercise was always the key point. So the goals for this month:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm
- Start the run 5k program
- regular yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week

Weigh in

Weight: 80.6kg / 177.7lbs

I have been having some controversy with the scale but yesterday I bought the needed batteries so no more 'technical diffculties'. But have to admit as much as I happy for the weight loss (I worked for hard!) I was a bit disappointed when I saw the number. It is just I had been steady 73-75kg for years and last week the scale once even showed 83.9kg. Frightening for me. I've been feeling fine and I'm proud of myself that I made the decision to change my life and attitude but I just wish I wasn't self pitying myself all the summer so I wouldn't have gained the last 6-7 kg which now I have to get rid of. The whole thing would be much easier if I've done things differently. It hurts to realise how much I hurt myself with maintaining a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Last time I lost all the weight I started from 73kg and every new number gave me the courage to keep on doing what I was doing because the numbers were 'new', if you know what I mean. I think this is the main reason I feel some kind of disappointment and sadness. I know the 'method', I know what to expect. But I have to stop compare everything to that time. But the circumtances are so familiar, you really have no idea how much. I try to work on this issue in my mind.

The batteries hate Thursdays

(originally posted 08/20/09)

Yesterday evening when I was walking home I was thinking whether I should document my 1st week official weigh-in or not. It's mostly because I set up this blog a week ago but the first couple of days (basically until Sunday) were like the same. I did eat a lot, junk mostly and I made no attempt to even take a walk or some exercise. I didn't write anything to my food journal either. Conclusion: I must have gained some during those 4 days.

So I was thinking, since Monday I've been doing fine. I made better (emphasis on better) food choices, kept the food journal, drank water instead of some sugary crap and I did exercise. Also made my life more active, like I added some evening walks. Honestly, I feel how working out is hard for me right now. I used to be sporty so I know what I was capable of, and now the same thing is really hard. But I'm doing it, that's the point.

I just didn't want to disappoint myself in the begining, however, I did peek on the scale yesterday during the day and it said 83.9. I know it wasn't official, I just hope, even if I haven't lost any weight yet but I don't want to weigh more that I did last week.

Today morning I decided I would weigh myself, even capture a photo. I was about to turn on the camera when I realised the batteries were dead. Okay, no problem. Then I went to the scale which was stubborn enough again, just like last week. It kept showing the Low sign, and since it's a national holiday here no chance to change the special batteries today. I gave up. I just hope that my 'relationship' with the scale improves in the future because we are definitely not the best friends right now.

The scale

(originally posted 13/08/09)

I needed to know my 'starting weight' so today morning I collected all my courage and stepped on the scale. Funny thing happened first. The batteries were low so I spent 5 minutes figuring out how I could weigh myself. When I turned it on it was okay but as soon as I tried to measure my weight the numbers started to increase and close to the 'final number' it said 'low batteries'. I almost gave up. But somehow I figured out how I could trick the scale and it worked. The scale showed 82.9kg / 182.7lbs.

I have to confess it made me sad because somehow I believed I would have been closer to 80 instead of closer to 85. It is almost the highest weight I could remember, also considering the fact that I was 72kg this January. Kind of scary and disappointing. But I know the saying 'you don't gain it overnight nor can you likewise lose it'. It's just the fact that last time I put a real effort in losing the weight I was much lighter and it did seem an adventure. Now first I have to get rid of 10kg (which I have experience how much work). And to tell the truth even 10kg sound scary to me. That's so much. I know these are all on me, I can only blame myself. I think I just have to accept that this situation I am in right now not the same I was in two years ago. So I have to handle it accordingly.