Workout disaster

Yesterday I decided I would do something new today on the workout field. I have a DVD which I like very much, basically a 40 minute exercise split in two 20 minute pieces. I usually do the second part which is choreographed on the ground, concentrates on the thigh, butt, abs area. It is freaking hard and painful but I know the routine very well.

The first part on the other hand is more active kind, full body workout, emphasis is on the lower body. Basically a circuit training with squats and lunges etc.

So I was fully prepared, and when it comes to workout I never give up easily but this time I had to. I only made the first 6 minutes when I had to admit this was not going to work. I felt unsteady, it hurt, it wasn't just right. Though I am not sure, maybe if the choreography hadn't been so fast I would have safely done the lunges. Maybe.

I gave up mostly because I got scared. This is the second time in my life when I am over 80 kilos but last time I weigh this much I wasn't doing any exercise. (I did a special diet to go back to 76kg) So I'm worried what this kind of exercise could do to my knees. When I'm doing my power walking I have an urge to run, like I used to but I'm not sure it's a safe way right now if I'm seeing the big picture on long term. That's the main reason I choose my workout sessions to keep the pressure from my knees.

Maybe I'm overprotective but I don't know. I would rather avoid an injury or a bad move which may end up real bad. But this boundary thing pisses me off very much. Being fat sucks.
I cannot wait not to measure this factor so I can run again!

Week 2 - Review

I have a secret obsession with organizing some things, for instance I'm really glad I'm having a food journal. It's not just about writing down what I ate but I really like to look over it and analyze things. The same goes for my workout log. It may have something to do with that I'm studying finance, so I do numbers, trends all the time.

Anyway, my eating habits are changing. It is true how doing things step by step is easier. When I made my decision a little more than two weeks ago I tried not to be too drastic. The first week was all about making my food choices better, obviously not perfect. It was not that easy.
This week I tried to eat normal lunch every day, not too much. Breakfast always. Way back it also worked for me miracles that for dinner I ate lots of vegetables or only fruits. This is seems to be working again. I struggle with the 'dark thoughts' (aka the need for binge) sometimes but so far I managed to control. I can even say no to cookies and cakes.

And this is the workout log for last week. Ib stands for indoor bicycle, pw is power walking, RR is a 20 minute workout dvd session.

I think I'm doing okay.


Was I gloomy today morning? Yes I was but I have some other things to be stressed out too. Anyway I put some effort into re-thinking today morning's reaction and I realised I judged it from the wrong way. It was then a big success for me, the only time during the 6 years of struggling with my weight when something really worked and I lost weight instead of gaining. That's why it was a milestone in my life. But what happened two years ago, happened. (and I have to admit, if I have done it absolutely right I wouldn't be here)

The point is what happened two weeks ago that's something. And I have to compare the past two weeks to the past 1,5 years. I started to care about again what I eat, I'm active, I can have a good night sleep again, I exercise on a regular basis, I eat fruits, I don't binge etc. Instead of course being lazy and simply not caring. I feel I have goals again and I'm waking up from some winter sleep.

I never really saw the point of this saying until today:

The hardest part about moving forward is not looking back.

Weigh in

Weight: 80.6kg / 177.7lbs

I have been having some controversy with the scale but yesterday I bought the needed batteries so no more 'technical diffculties'. But have to admit as much as I happy for the weight loss (I worked for hard!) I was a bit disappointed when I saw the number. It is just I had been steady 73-75kg for years and last week the scale once even showed 83.9kg. Frightening for me. I've been feeling fine and I'm proud of myself that I made the decision to change my life and attitude but I just wish I wasn't self pitying myself all the summer so I wouldn't have gained the last 6-7 kg which now I have to get rid of. The whole thing would be much easier if I've done things differently. It hurts to realise how much I hurt myself with maintaining a very unhealthy lifestyle.

Last time I lost all the weight I started from 73kg and every new number gave me the courage to keep on doing what I was doing because the numbers were 'new', if you know what I mean. I think this is the main reason I feel some kind of disappointment and sadness. I know the 'method', I know what to expect. But I have to stop compare everything to that time. But the circumtances are so familiar, you really have no idea how much. I try to work on this issue in my mind.


I just got back from an evening power walking workout around the lake and I really regret I didn't take at least a cell phone with myself to capture the sunset. It was especially lovely today. I also start to feel positive about my food choices so I decided as a reward I deserved some pancakes for today's lunch. Filled with cocoa. Yumm. I'm not much of a kitchen person so it is kind of an achivement.

200 g plain flour
40 ml milk
10 ml sparkling water
1 egg
a pinch of salt
1 teaspoon oil
for filling you can use anyhing, like cocoa, jam, cottage cheese, etc.

Sift the flour into a bowl. Add the egg, salt and oil and mix with the milk until smooth. Add the sparkling water only at this point to prevent the dough from forming little knobs. Let is sit for 30 minutes. Ladle a bit of dough into the skillet, enough to form an even coat. Twril the skillet to make it as even and round possible. Over medium to heat bake the undersite of the pancake in a minute or so. Check with a wide, flat wooden spoon if it's done, or shake the skillet a bit if the pancake free to move it is ready. Push the wooden spoon completely under the pancake and flip it over. Baking the other side will take shorte time, about 30 seconds. Slide the paper-thin pancakes on a large plate. Before serving pile on the filling, roll it up or fold into quaters, or into shape of bundle.

Week 1 - Review

I had no idea last Sunday if I could make it for a week. Sad to say but after years of weight loss & gain struggles I lost faith in myself. I either thought too much to just start the 'healthy lifestyle' (like constant planning, or not today but tomorrow), or I did start it with extreme expectations and goal for short term period and I gave up in days.

But I tried to remember how my last big attempt worked two years ago and I went with it. The key is really just do it, keep a food journal and exercise. But my biggest problem/fear has always been the pressure that what if I eat something 'bad', then the whole day is ruined (because in my head there were only 'perfect days' with 'perfect choices') so feel free to keep overeating, no need to exercise at all since today as I said is already ruined. It kept going like this for a long time so no surprise that I gained weight.

I had some doubts about the first week. What if I admit in my food journal that I ate something I shouldn't have, or didn't exercise, the same happens on the other day and I accept the fact. But not from a weight loss point of view but from an other one, that nothing happens, I just accept now on a daily basis on paper that I am overweight and I would keep being overweight.

But as a review I can say I did well for the first week. I documented everything I ate and my workouts. Of course I find some things from my old habits but I also see improvement. For example I gave up a recent 'addiction' of mine: Coca Coke. I drank it all the time ridiculously lot and now it has been replaced with herbal tea and water. Day by day. I haven't been the water drinker type to say the least.
Also instead of disgust I started to eat fruits and vegetables. I even paid attention not to eat after 6 or 7pm and I made sure I always ate breakfast so I wouldn't be so hungry by lunch. I also tried to eat only as much I needed. No huge portions or doubles, if it wasn't necessary.

The exercise part went okay, especially since I haven't done any workouts for almost 1,5 years. Seriously. So I went for power walks, I had indoor bicycle workouts and I dusted my used to be favourite fitness dvd. Little things like using stairs instead of elevators.

The scale thing: I have no idea. I will try it on Thursday (hope it will work) but so far I can already feel the benefits. Still really hard for me to accept that this time losing weight (in a long term!) is going to be a long road, but I'm sure it'll worth it. I really want to change my life because obesity gives me nothing but boundaries.

Important lesson

I was out of town for a couple days and I didn't really exercise. So yesterday I decided I would try to make up for it. I had a 30 minute indoor bicycle workout in my mind, spiced with intervals.

I started light, keeping the pace around 8-9 km/h for 10 minutes as a warmup. Then I changed to 10-11 km/h for 5 minutes, then above 11 km/h. I had the intervals above 12-13 km/h for 2 minutes, then 11 for 1 minute rest.

I have to admit I completed what I had in mind but it was really hard. First the realisation that my cardio is in a real bad condition. (no surprise of course but with some sport-related past I know what I used to be capable of)

Secondly I made the typical mistake. During my weekend getaway I made some 'bad food' choices so the day before I only had two bigger peaches for dinner. And the same for yesterday's breakfast. I had my workout before lunch. While I was on the bike I felt how my energy went away and I started to feel weak. The whole workout seemed like a huge struggle, in the end I just got off the bike, laid down the bed and tried to breathe slowly.

Lesson: I forgot how important it is to eat, in order to complete a hard workout session. I think this happens to everyone once in a while, but still. If I plan to lose the weight with working out I have to keep this in mind.

The batteries hate Thursdays

(originally posted 08/20/09)

Yesterday evening when I was walking home I was thinking whether I should document my 1st week official weigh-in or not. It's mostly because I set up this blog a week ago but the first couple of days (basically until Sunday) were like the same. I did eat a lot, junk mostly and I made no attempt to even take a walk or some exercise. I didn't write anything to my food journal either. Conclusion: I must have gained some during those 4 days.

So I was thinking, since Monday I've been doing fine. I made better (emphasis on better) food choices, kept the food journal, drank water instead of some sugary crap and I did exercise. Also made my life more active, like I added some evening walks. Honestly, I feel how working out is hard for me right now. I used to be sporty so I know what I was capable of, and now the same thing is really hard. But I'm doing it, that's the point.

I just didn't want to disappoint myself in the begining, however, I did peek on the scale yesterday during the day and it said 83.9. I know it wasn't official, I just hope, even if I haven't lost any weight yet but I don't want to weigh more that I did last week.

Today morning I decided I would weigh myself, even capture a photo. I was about to turn on the camera when I realised the batteries were dead. Okay, no problem. Then I went to the scale which was stubborn enough again, just like last week. It kept showing the Low sign, and since it's a national holiday here no chance to change the special batteries today. I gave up. I just hope that my 'relationship' with the scale improves in the future because we are definitely not the best friends right now.

Bad news equal eating?

(originally posted 19/08/09)

My main problem (and I think this is the main reason I have this major problem) is that I am an 'overeater'. An emotional overeater.

Like today I started okay, in good mood, excited for starting another healthy day without any 'dark thoughts' (like I choose bad food and skip exercise because I'm lazy). Then midday I received some bad news (more of something which made me mad and confused). I immediately thought of eating. (!!!) Like right now I would go to the supermarket, buy some cookies and stuff, and screw this 'I'm going to lose weight' thing. But I tried to resist to the temptation. I finished my work, and then I hopped on the indoor bicycle for a 40 minute exercise. Later I had lunch so I tought that then the hunger would go away. A couple hours later though the 'dark thoughts' came back. Especially when I saw the Nesquik Cocoa in the cupboard and immediately had a random thought to make pancakes.

I don't want to be so strict with my diet so that I can not keep up with it. I know myself, I've been there. Extremes are dangerous for me because I either starve myself or overeat so much junk I would be even embarressed to admit it. When I'm in a situation described above it is never about just one cookie. Or one chocholate bar. It's more, like one (or two) whole bag of something, and I probably drink soda instead of water.

So instead of giving in for the 'dark thoughts' I ate 4 peaches. I didn't want to starve myself and wait till dinner because I'm 100 percent sure that would end up real bad, like going to the supermarket after all.

I'm okay now. But I'm telling you, finding the balance is one hell of a big struggle.

Just do it!

(originally posted 18/08/09)

Seriously, ever since I created this blog (approx. a week ago) I haven't done anything worth to mention towards losing weight. (except the opposite) I really don't know why but basically the whole summer was the same for me. There has been this cloud screaming 'you need to loose weight, now, you know you want it' above my head, and I know it's there so let it be. Planning, planning, planning. Excuses, like 'as of tomorrow' etc. Even if I made a bad food choice before noon I'd said okay, then I'd start tomorrow the 'heathy life' and kept making bad food choices for all day. Vicious circle. Then Sunday evening I had that kind of 'wake up' moment. You know, something major hit me and I literally was forced to go out and do something about it.

Then yesterday I dusted my indoor bicycle. I had a 45-minute-exercise, then since I hadn't really gone anywhere yesterday I just had the impulse so I went for an evening power walking session around the nearby lake. And you know what? It felt great. I haven't been exercising for quite a while and I forgot how it felt. I even realised that I made better choices subconsciously for what I ate and drink yesterday. So I have to admit, there is something about in the 'just do it' slogan, indeed.

The scale

(originally posted 13/08/09)

I needed to know my 'starting weight' so today morning I collected all my courage and stepped on the scale. Funny thing happened first. The batteries were low so I spent 5 minutes figuring out how I could weigh myself. When I turned it on it was okay but as soon as I tried to measure my weight the numbers started to increase and close to the 'final number' it said 'low batteries'. I almost gave up. But somehow I figured out how I could trick the scale and it worked. The scale showed 82.9kg / 182.7lbs.

I have to confess it made me sad because somehow I believed I would have been closer to 80 instead of closer to 85. It is almost the highest weight I could remember, also considering the fact that I was 72kg this January. Kind of scary and disappointing. But I know the saying 'you don't gain it overnight nor can you likewise lose it'. It's just the fact that last time I put a real effort in losing the weight I was much lighter and it did seem an adventure. Now first I have to get rid of 10kg (which I have experience how much work). And to tell the truth even 10kg sound scary to me. That's so much. I know these are all on me, I can only blame myself. I think I just have to accept that this situation I am in right now not the same I was in two years ago. So I have to handle it accordingly.

The background story

(originally posted 12/08/09)

Hi. I'm a 23 year old girl living in Europe. I have a weight problem. I have issues with eating too. This has been going on for about 6 years so here came the point where I say that's enough and I'm going to fight this 'thing'.

As I can recall it all started when I was 16 years old. My highschool girlfriends had some weight issues and I kinda got dragged into it. I only carried around 3-4kg extra on myself but this dieting, exercising madness became something bigger than me. I didn't realise at the time that my 'problem' was very different from what my friends had. (basically I had no problem) Then I lost weight, I did exercise, but I built a very strange relationship with food. I kept on going this lifestyle for a year when the habit of no-eating days and the over-eating days completely collapsed. I started to gain weight, from 53kg I went up to 60kg in a couple of months. I gave up exercising, I chose eating huge amount of junk food and cookies. My personality had changed, I became very introverted, I also skipped a year before I went to university. I stopped weighing myself, I pretended like everything was normal (but it wasn't) when I can not really remember when, but I realised I was 83 kg. Then university started and I found myself steady 73-74kg for like two years.

Of course every day I thought of dieting and losing weight. I was always obsessed with it. I had attempts, but the expectations I set for myself were so high that I was unable to meet them, usually gave up in a couple of days. Then 2 years ago I started dieting and exercising, trying to do it without the pressure which had failed me so many times in the past. I built a system and I was able to maintain it for 3-4 months. 67kg, and I was perfectly satisfied with it. But then I again. I stopped the system and gained the weight back. My weight though became steady. Altough this year was so hard at the university I started gaining again and sadly I'm over 80kg now.

But I can't bear it anymore. As I have experience how it is to be with a healthy body image now I have this miserable cloud over my head. It gives me such disadvantages. I hate them. The main problem is I am a perfect example for 'living is easy with eyes closed' and I hardly paid any attention to the actions I took as regards my health in the past.

So I've decided to start this blog and I'll do my best.