Bittersweet - Deadlines versus Carpe Diem.

Today’s weigh in: 71.3kg / 156.8lbs (0.6kg / 1.3lbs loss)

I really don’t want to complain, because even if I can’t run right now, I’m still losing. The pessimism might be due to October’s progress when I was doing sports actively and losing fast week by week. Now, it’s a little hard to process this new ‘gear’ I’m in. Sport became my daily routine in the past months and now I feel how I much I miss it. And around August I had a little something in my mind. I know it is embarrassing but I admit it: I wanted to be below 70 kg (or 150lbs) by the New Moon premiere. (I haven’t seen it yet, though)

I have some ideas why I’m in such a blah mood, but apart from that sometimes I think about which would be the better: to set goals and deadlines or just doing things carpe diem, without any pressure. Well, since I’m an economist/business major I still prefer deadlines and goals in order to be effective. Failure can be tough, but also motivating. In my case right now I feel disappointed, but on the other hand without any major workouts I’m only 1.3kg (2.8pounds) away from that milestone. After what I’ve been through it should be a piece of cake, right?

The other thing which bothers me a lot (besides the lack of workouts) that I really put my anxiety on other people. I don’t think I’m rude but I’ve been definitely talking way too much about weight loss, which has never – ever – been my strong point. (I’m still surprised by myself!) I tend to bring up the topic way too many times, and how disappointed I’m with this and that etc. I could keep this in a secret for a long time and now since it’s out maybe this is my way to handle ‘embarrassment’. No idea, but I need to stop. Really. Seriously.

One other confession: due to ‘other’ things, and my blah mood I had a binge day. Not a crucial one, but enough that I’m sick to my stomach… and it doesn’t feel nice. :(

BMI

Let me show you guys something.

Today’s weigh-in: 71.9kg / 158.1lbs.

Good news because I managed to lose (I say maintain) a tiny compared to this Monday without any sport activity and constant bed rest.

But, what I am really saying is, that I've just checked my BMI here.

The categories:

24.9! Which means that I’m exactly at the margin of ‘Normal weight’!!! Believe me, I’m still a fattie (unfortunately I have a very small frame size but I’m tall, so probably this you could call cheating) but my starting BMI was 28.7. Way to go!

Scale, numbers, November

The past two weeks I had some major results I just haven’t had the time to write about them yet. First, last week I managed to reach the ‘under 75kg’ mark, which means that I’m finally in a zone when the numbers at least a bit friendlier. On the other hand the last 3-day-weekend was spent in a famous Hungarian city and to tell the truth I didn’t care about eating well that much during that weekend. I have the weigh-ins usually on Saturday, but due to that past weekend I stepped on the scale on Tuesday, just for a quick check-in. It showed a sad number: 75.5 (166.4). I was totally prepared for the typical dieter catch 22. You lose and you just think that you could eat. I mentally tried to train myself accepting the first gain, I managed to agree with myself anything which starts with 74.something would be good. Then for my biggest surprise I finally reached the 73s! I have absolutely no idea how, but I’ll take it.

While I was tracking my food and workouts I realised, damn this week was the number 12. Technically that means 3 months, but basically I’ve been doing this whole complex thing for 76 days. Crazy to think of it as it is. I had no idea if I could make even the one week and look at this now:

Since 17th August 2009 I officially lost 11.34% of my starting weight, my BMI dropped from 28.7 to 25.4. I completed 55.62% of my total goal, I’m 9.4kg (20.7lbs) lighter than I was 2.5 months ago. I’m happy and energetic … I do things instead of not doing.

So what’s next?

It’s November. A new month with new objectives. When I set my goals back in September I aimed my birthday, December 6. Now I see things a little different.

Honestly, losing 7.5kg (16.7lbs) in 36 days is a bit unreasonable. Possible, if I try some ‘magic’, but I made a promise to myself that I won’t do anything drastic. I have exactly 5 weeks till then so I try to get to the zone of 68something kilos, or say the least get under the 150lbs mark. That absolutely could work out, and this way the deadline for the 145 can be New Year’s. In this I calculated Christmas and a freaky exam period.

But how I’m going to achieve this is another matter. I run, despite the fact that it’s starting to be freezing cold outside. I have only 1 week left from my c25k program, so I think I continue with the 10k program. (any training schedule suggestions?). Now it seems I also have a running buddy so keeping each other motivated can result in something great! However, there’s no problem with running, but I do have a problem with workouts. I just find them boring as hell, but I’m in a serious need of upper body workouts. I’ll try my best to do them at least 2times a week.

I’m still tracking my food and I think I’m doing fine. Yesterday was though a bit out of control, but in general I’m surprised how much willpower and control I have, so I won’t make a fuss about a weird day. But as for November I’d like to spend some time in the kitchen, try out new things. I’m a terrible cook since there’s only a few things I can prepare, so as a resolution I try to do something about this.

Until then, my mini goal is get under 70kilos. And not to give up because of the weather. 2 years ago I got lost somewhere around here…

October

Weight: 76.5kg / 168.3lbs (Can’t believe I reached the sixties especially since I eat so bad the past week!)

I know it’s already mid October but my early month lack of enthusiasm postponed this monthly entry. When September started I wrote about the goals, expectations and now I’m trying to do the same and review the past month. The list:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm (there were only 3-4 exceptions)
- Start the run 5k program
- Try out yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week (though I worked out mostly 3 times a week, but those were very active and effective workout sessions, so I consider it a success)

All in all September went well, I passed that crucial exam I was so afraid of, I moved to a new place which turned out to be amazing, my last year of university is also going pretty well. Tons of schoolwork but I manage to find the balance. I’m also living a very active social life right now, there was a week when I went out 4 nights. However, I feel very insecure around people. Not because I care about their opinion me being fat (I do care a little), but the simple fact that I’m not feeling comfortable in my own skin. It can be so annoying to witness what my life would be if I wasn’t this heavy. And I say this because in my friend circle basically I’m the only one who is obese.

As for October I have bigger plans. I mean September seemed like a test month for me, whether I can keep up with myself while I need to attend classes and be back to Budapest. It worked, I just need to boost things up a little. I calculated a little with the numbers and in order to get close to my goal by my birthday I need 1.8-2 pound weekly losses. On 5th November I’m also invited to a huge party, so my short term goal is to get close to the 160lbs mark. In addition:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- blog regularly
- finish 5k program
- increase weekly workout sessions
- give yoga another try

The big picture

I haven't taken the courage yet to write about goals. First week was filled with doubts whether I could make it or not, then I dived into the books and notes for a very important exam. Yesterday evening I tried to loosen up a bit so instead of studying I spent 1,5 hour browsing online articles, lovely sites. I read through again Shauna's top 20 weight loss tips, the list which has been very helpful even though I have previous experience in this weight loss thing. The number one on the list is 'start with the big picture, write down your goals and be specific'.

Well, of course I want to lose weight. I don't know how much but as for now I aim to reach 145lbs. Then we'll see. But I'm absolutely sure that not the scale number will make me happy. Before I became overweight I was a carefree girl, open minded, I was in every game, having fun, socializing and doing normal things. Ever since I became overweight and addicted to food I became very reserved, shy and introverted. I bought an air plane ticket to Lisboa, Portugal to hang out with friends this spring but I cancelled it because I was fat. I rejected a semester at the Estonian Tallin Business University because I thought I could not go because I was fat. I couldn't go to Spain for a month this summer with my friends to walk 500 km because I was fat with no stamina. I don't like to go to clubs any more because I can not dress myself well, I don't feel good in my skin next to my really gorgeous looking friends. I know being fat can not be an excuse not to do great things and honestly, I really envy those people who can live carefree and not to feel intimidated. However, knowing my past I'm aware that not just this fat thing stole my self confidence but definitely the food addiction was the biggest problem factor. So I wanna lose weight because I wanna know myself, I wanna do things and have carefree fun, be healthy.

I read a book this summer, Gardens of Delight by Erica James. There was this expression in it called 'Maybe Queen'. I think I'm perfect example of that, having lots of opportunities but afraid of them because my self built boundaries. So yes, this journey is not going to be just the number of pounds lost.

On the other hand besides losing weight I would love to be healthy again and break up my food addiction. It would be lovely to have a decent relationship with food.

I would also love to run again. I'm taking baby steps, still waiting for dropping a couple kilos before I start just to be sure I won't cause any harm to my knees. I checked out races and I found a very cool idea, with which my mind had been playing around for a while. Every month there's a friendly midnight run in the city on the route of the tram number 6, a gorgeous, gorgeous route. 8,3 km. I aim to race on 11th Dec.

Last, but not least for 2009 I aim to regain my German knowledge and go for the near native level. Say hi to Berlin!

Deadline? I'm not sure if it is possible to reach 145 by my 24birthday but I'll do my best. Two years ago when I was losing weight I didn't set any goals, dates etc. But it might be a good idea to set a date to feel the push and keep myself motivated:

6th December, 2009.

September

Say hi to the seventies:
weight: 79.8kg / 175.5lbs

I haven’t really taken the time to figure out my expectations for September but better late than never. It is going to be a busy month, I’m in a middle of studying for a crucial exam on 11th. University officially starts on the 14th, I move back to the city on the 12th. (new place, but I’m not enthusiastic) Besides my regular classes to attend, I have to face an other exam (the second hardest, ever) somewhere around end of September, no exact date yet. Hardcore academics.

I have no idea which is my biggest fear for this month, probably that I have to figure out the exercise thing. Now that I’m home it was easy with the indoor activities in my own privacy but living in an university dorm that’s totally different. Good thing it is located by the river, great place to go out for a powerwalk. I need the challenge, I need speed, so maybe even running. Gym would be an obvious solution but my self-confidence is extremely low for that right now. Too many mirrors. However, I signed up for a step-aerobics class for Tuesday morning at the university. Baby steps.
I shouldn’t be freaking out about the workouts though but the thing is I’m starting to trust myself with eating. It’s balanced but somehow, as much as I can remember in my case exercise was always the key point. So the goals for this month:

- Keep tracking food and workouts
- Dinner always before 7pm
- Start the run 5k program
- regular yoga or pilates
- Workout at least 4 times a week