The big picture

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I haven't taken the courage yet to write about goals. First week was filled with doubts whether I could make it or not, then I dived into the books and notes for a very important exam. Yesterday evening I tried to loosen up a bit so instead of studying I spent 1,5 hour browsing online articles, lovely sites. I read through again Shauna's top 20 weight loss tips, the list which has been very helpful even though I have previous experience in this weight loss thing. The number one on the list is 'start with the big picture, write down your goals and be specific'.

Well, of course I want to lose weight. I don't know how much but as for now I aim to reach 145lbs. Then we'll see. But I'm absolutely sure that not the scale number will make me happy. Before I became overweight I was a carefree girl, open minded, I was in every game, having fun, socializing and doing normal things. Ever since I became overweight and addicted to food I became very reserved, shy and introverted. I bought an air plane ticket to Lisboa, Portugal to hang out with friends this spring but I cancelled it because I was fat. I rejected a semester at the Estonian Tallin Business University because I thought I could not go because I was fat. I couldn't go to Spain for a month this summer with my friends to walk 500 km because I was fat with no stamina. I don't like to go to clubs any more because I can not dress myself well, I don't feel good in my skin next to my really gorgeous looking friends. I know being fat can not be an excuse not to do great things and honestly, I really envy those people who can live carefree and not to feel intimidated. However, knowing my past I'm aware that not just this fat thing stole my self confidence but definitely the food addiction was the biggest problem factor. So I wanna lose weight because I wanna know myself, I wanna do things and have carefree fun, be healthy.

I read a book this summer, Gardens of Delight by Erica James. There was this expression in it called 'Maybe Queen'. I think I'm perfect example of that, having lots of opportunities but afraid of them because my self built boundaries. So yes, this journey is not going to be just the number of pounds lost.

On the other hand besides losing weight I would love to be healthy again and break up my food addiction. It would be lovely to have a decent relationship with food.

I would also love to run again. I'm taking baby steps, still waiting for dropping a couple kilos before I start just to be sure I won't cause any harm to my knees. I checked out races and I found a very cool idea, with which my mind had been playing around for a while. Every month there's a friendly midnight run in the city on the route of the tram number 6, a gorgeous, gorgeous route. 8,3 km. I aim to race on 11th Dec.

Last, but not least for 2009 I aim to regain my German knowledge and go for the near native level. Say hi to Berlin!

Deadline? I'm not sure if it is possible to reach 145 by my 24birthday but I'll do my best. Two years ago when I was losing weight I didn't set any goals, dates etc. But it might be a good idea to set a date to feel the push and keep myself motivated:

6th December, 2009.

4 comments:

Hadley said...

It's a shame you passed up Tallinn! Estonia is amazing. If I had to make a list of the world's most underrated countries, it would definitely be up there. The city is beautiful, everything's cheap, and the food was delicious. (Although, since you're trying to lose weight, the last bit might not be as much of an upside.)

Just out of curiosity, can I ask what country you're originally from?

Although I, like you, have specific goal weights, in the end what I think is probably more important is my "goal feeling." I want to feel like I'm never held back by my weight.

This was a very insightful post.

The Fat Girl said...

I've tried to comment on your profile several times and we'll see if it works this time. It's probably my goofy computer.

I like setting goals, but sometimes I get overwhelmed by them. I set the Operation Dumbo Drop thing and it looks like it may not happen, but I'm a lot further than I was before. I've learned to appreciate the journey to the goals and what I learn about myself as much as I do reaching them. I also have a tendency to set slightly unattainable goals, which isn't good either.

I love this.. "So yes, this journey is not going to be just the number of pounds lost. "

sayhitoberlin said...

I'm still figuring out blogger so I have no idea if I want to answer a comment do I post just a comment on my post? No idea (: So I try to answer both of you.

It was my first week of the university and I can't say I don't regret my decision about Tallin. But there were other factors not just my weight, I'm supposed to work on my thesis, so this way I can finish the uni in June, and then I plan to go immediately abroad for a longer period. Btw, I'm living now in Budapest, Hungary.

About the goal thing, I have a tendency to set goals which are irrational but this time I'm trying to do my best. I sat down, thought through what could be rational and now I'm doing okay. 5 weeks already! But I need some perspective because that gives me the strenght to keep going. Of course every week on 'scale day' I think of a number I'd love to see the next week and normally, I don't reach that. But I don't consider it a fail, because I'm still losing the weight.
But losing weight, creating and maintaining a healthy life style is a very serious mind game and I'm still trying to figure out what works for me.

"I want to feel like I'm never held back by my weight." That's my goal, and the numbers are just for motivation to keep on doing what I'm doing.

Allison said...

I can relate so much to your post here - my goal weight is about the same, I'm trying to get back into running, and I have a tendency to set irrational goals.

I'm excited to read more of your posts!